Today's been chill, quite honestly, for the first time in a while. It consisted of making dinner, working on my overly put off English project, going to a live Pottercast over ustream, talking to some fans and such, making inside jokes with the usuals at the live events, and drinking tea. I just feel really really tired all the time; I'm never not drained! B12 deficiency does run in my family; I'm starting to wonder if that's the case.
There's this issue I've been meaning to blog about for a really long time; this may tie in with my really bad case of Panic & Anxiety Disorder, landing me at rock bottom at the end of seventh grade, I can't be sure. For the longest time, I've always turned to writing and reading for comfort, a non-tangible friend, or a safe place in a troubling world. However, somehow and someway, I've scared myself partially away from even that. I've started to almost make myself expectations for my literary life. Example; a little voice inside me is constantly saying, "You shouldn't be reading modern books you find at B&N. You should be reading classics. You're not a literature lover unless you do." Or, "You should be writing every single day. Your not an author or writer unless you do. You should always be in the mood to read, or write. How and why do you call yourself a literature-based person unless you do?"
Who knows, cookies. Who honestly knows.
It just upsets me, the entire thing. I hate that I do this to myself. I really do. I hate that I scare myself away from everything, even what I want. I lack mental self control, and I lead a life of fear. I've become an agoraphobic, cedephobic, social phobic person; is it passion anymore, really, if you've almost become afraid of not 'respectably' pursuing it? Perhaps I could explain it all with this English project; we have to make an advertisement for a book we're supposed to write. We don't have to write the entire thing; more or less, just the first and last page, as well as make a cover and back cover, and write a paper on it comparing it to another book we chose to write (my book's 1984 by George Orwell). I am having the worst time doing it! And I want to be an author when I grow up! Excuse my french, but; what the HELL is this? Let me get this straight; I don't want to do what I apparently love to do? I confuse myself sometimes.
I also really don't know what to do about this whole 'living inside my head' thing. Really, cookies, it's true; day in and day out, I think to myself, "Wow, I'm going to go home and write a blog post on this!" I never do. I sit down and just think, "Screw it." and close the laptop. There's so much I think about, honestly, yet none of it ever seems to get itself onto this webpage. Let alone, into the ears of anybody at all. There are just certain people I wish I could talk to; I knew I could in the past if I needed to, and I knew they'd get it perfectly. One of those people is my old best friend. But, as you know, my friends and readers, that ship has long, long sailed, I'm unfathomably sorry to say. I just think I need to seriously organize my life; it's life a messy desk; once used to accomplish and live through and create with, now cluttered and not worth using unless I do some serious cleaning.
6 opinions.:
Fans?!? Whoo Whee Christina Baby's a celebrity ;) Well, I'd like to let you know that I'm a major fan of yours, and the fact that you posted this makes me wuv you even more!
I'm right there with you, sadly. Every time I walk into B&N I think...why do I go over to modern fiction when all of the classics are over there on their pedastal calling my name?!
I finally gave in and bought Withering Heights last year around this time, but I hated it. Mainly because I had a lot going on then mentally and wasn't really able to focus on the task at hand (causing me to be very disappointed and frustrated in myself). But, at the same time, I didn't understand why a book-buff like myself couldn't adore the classics like I should be able to do.
You and I are a like in many ways, including our self-talk. We use the words "should" and "have to" more than anything else (at least, I know I do :/).
I guess we need to just try to see that we're smart, and even if we don't read the classics or have stories coming out if our asses (ahem, excuse my french, also), we still read more than your average teenager (even those that do read).
Wow, that sounds like a mighty tough English project :/ I wouldn't worry too much about why you can't think of anything, for I'm sure everybody else is frustrated and writer's blocked, too. Yet, I get that you're frustrated and disappointed :/
Good luck with it!!
I have a lot of thoughts, most of which don't go on my blog. If I did post them there, I'm afraid most of my readers would just stop, roll their eyes, and leave my page :P However, seeing you write this gives me a bit more courage :)
Love you!
Hannah
btw, I just saw that I'm number 666 on your page counter thingy :S
Creepy, much?
Jeepers, that's long :/
My bad :P
Just remember that there is a thin line between creativity and utter madness. I hope you have a terrific evening
Oh man, I know that feeling of literary inadequacy. Here I am, wanting to become an author, while my friends who don't, whiz through books before I've barely begun. It's sad :P.
I think you've got yourself together better than I do though, haha. I've been reading the same book since forever it seems. I hope you can get over this new fear :/. Just remember, every step you take is an improvement. If you write a little bit of a story, you're still further than if you never attempted to at all. And it's okay to venture away from classics. The modern books of today just be become the classics of tomorrow :), so keep an opened eye.
Gah, projects can be so frustrating. I've had the worst time organizing my research paper. I'm sure you'll do well, it's just difficult writing/creating for other people's standards. Don't let it discourage you :). The analogy of your life to the messy desk was good, but I hope you find the ambition to either organize it, or work with it in a way that suites you :). Good luck with everything Christina!
♥ Olive
life is like a wheel..sometimes you're in uncomfortable condition which mean you're under the wheel...sometimes you're above the wheel...and be sure that a good thing will come to you as soon as possible... btw i don't wanna be an author 2 it's boring i think he2x :)
I am sure that everything will come right for you eventually ~ don't be so hard on yourself ~ you are a great person.
Love and hugs Tab XXXX
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