all roses.

2009-11-28T12:19:00.000-05:00

It is over.

The flames are gone.

It is done.

petal in the bowl

2009-08-08T00:52:00.009-04:00

The Pinpoint

"I sit beside my lonely fire

And pray for wisdom yet:

For calmness to remember

Or courage to forget."

- Charles Hamilton Aïdé, Remember or Forget

{Currents}

Diy, laundry, shoes, coraline

I'm thinking of Coraline with soft eyes. My mother, brother, and myself rented Tim Burton's latest DVD last week and I was oddly struck by it. There's a skeletal way of looking at this movie, accompanied by a slew of interpretations.

Tim Burton is known and respected for doing what he does best, as any other director. He personifies the idea of dark humour, victorian undertones, and distorted body shapes but all too real themes and dialogue. The score allowed me to wind myself into how Tim and composer Bruno Coulais saw Coraline's desicions, desires and fright of the other world that lay beyond the door. What captured me tenaciously was the truth injected into the idea that Coraline was, in fact, a child. Many visual aids fail to remind us of this. Coraline's character was equipped with the idea that tantalization happens in the world. For eons, man has had desire and inclination dribbled all over them; whether it be chastity, lonliness, jealousy, or anything, truly. It varies and changes shape from person to person and that is clearly shown in this movie. It was impressive.

Because of the natural selfish nature of a child, Coraline succumbs to the other world and finds herself in a dangerous situation regarding her 'other mother' (mind you, this 'world' does not emulate narnia. It is a perfect reflection of her real world in a physical sense, but the way people see and treat her is the opposite, showering her with affection and love instead of ignorance.). She is faced with an ultimatum of eternal happiness (according to this mythical set of parents) or never returning to the real world, and therefore vanishing from her true parent's lives. Yet again, the spinal cord of the movie is the reoccurring decision of what is right and what is easy. What strikes me with a double edged sword is, however, that like real children Coraline steps out of the way from her conscience to lead this double life.

Five stars.

Us/Them

I met this concept about a month ago. I was at a John Green Blog TV show, and I was drinking tea. It was quiet. John was sitting in a plastic chair, scratched it was, lecturing a class of young adults about books, writing, and interpretations of life. They were pretty silent, and rightfully so.

Humans have a slight tendency to think in terms of us vs. them. We generally tend to put ourselves on a pedestal thinking, "This is me, and that is them." Yet to another person, I fall under the category of 'them'. 'Us' is the human's way of attempting to justify one's thoughts or actions (also both) in a plural form. It can be practiced in as many forms as there are people on this earth; mainly, I believe it is shown in two general ways. There is the person who states the type of person they are, merely talking about oneself, and there is the person who contrasts oneself to 'them'. 'Them' can be a group, or a practice, a society or a stereotype. This can be shown in any aspect you'd like. Walt Whitman once said, pointed out by John as well that (and I quote) "I celebrate myself, I sing myself, and what I shall assume you shall assume, for every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you."

This demonstrates both types of the us/them thoery. Walt celebrates himself; he proclaims to the world, perhaps only himself that he is a man with a mind. He is a man, one of many, that thinks and acts, lives and breaths, eats, sleeps, and prophecizes a better world. He is inviting the world to see him and perhaps agree, but doesn't contrast by listing why he is himself or why he doesn't fit into the category of the next human.
"For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you," reflects another form of 'us'. Many believe this reflects Whitman's belief in communism, but I say the rabbithole is deeper than that. He wishes for not a them, not an us, maybe a we. In the same moment that he proclaims himself as an 'us', he stomps on the idea and states his desire for the world being a giant 'us', with no 'them' even in the equation.

Travel Channel has been my vice for a while. Since then, I have taken a noticable interest in cultural foods of others countries, therefore trying unknown and slightly scary eateries, diners, and restaraunts. Food is a part of life; without it, there is no anything. Through the words and moments that I ordered, ate, watched others, and recollected all clues of culture in america with eating, it had all intensified and broken into a million peices in my cranium. The world of appearance, fashion, and media has warped us. I looked around as the other women and young adults eating; and I was frightened. I couldn't look at a women and rightfully decide if she was fat, healthy, or too skinny. I discerned so much right there; mostly, that the effects of society hit a home run inside my head. I glanced back at myself; if this is what I see in others, how and what do I see myself as?
However, yet again, Money has cackled it's way to the main control of the situation. Titles to magazines such as 'slim down in two weeks' or pictures of happy women leading unhealthy lives give us the image that it's okay. Naive as it sounds, I've just realized the entire point of this imagery. What sells is what's normal. This is the painting being created in our society.
This theme of life is one that I have struggled with the most. Being a girl, there are stereotypes and expectations. As anybody reading this would know, it is unfathomably difficult to choose between getting those compliments everyday on your body or perhaps not being the tiniest yet feeling at peace about it. What baffles me is the slight stupidity built into the sale technique. I've always imagined that if one day we could see normal, healthy women walking those shows, there would be more sales from bashful customers. These mystery women are intimidating. I speak for myself when I state this, at least.
Nobody is sure of themselves at the teenage stage in life, as well as far past it. But I'm sorry to say that these projections of perfection are making all the more worse, and all the more difficult, and all the more damaging to the world.

--

I have been told incessantly to meet, to greet, to mingle, to speak. One of my good friends introduced me to a kid he had known since first grade. Not in person, of course. This guy messaged me late one night, and we started talking. All was well, it was light, as any first conversation. As expected we talked like the Nile and eventually, like a phase, it grew normality under it's skin. I noticed from the start there was something...not off, but pretty strongly. . .well, off about this kid. He asked flat out questions to me, almost like a job interview, such as 'So, are you fake? Or not?'
I fathom the idea of a friendship that doesn't contain belly-achers such as fakeness. Twenty-five minutes in, I felt like this kid jumped in a quarry. It went from favorite bands to biggest bout of heartbreak, and it made me uncomfortable. By the fourth day, I was growing tired of 'it'. I'll attempt to explain.
Constant compliments. Girls flip over that, being called 'nice' and 'sweet' and 'smart' and 'deep', but it was slightly sour. What put me off the side of the precipice was when he told me I was 'a much better replacement for the girl he used to like'. From the very beginning, I reviewed that I;
1. Don't date.
2. Won't be changing that.
3. Have no interest in dating, romance, or anything of the like.

I am feeling put off. I mentioned it to Andrew, while he told me to flat out say exactly what I was bringing up. I'm scared to. This kid says things like, 'feel free to leave me a voicemail, I want to know what your voice sounds like'. He tells me he wants to meet me. I'm getting shifty. I know there is no danger. I know it's just this awkward person. I, however, don't feel I want to really hold a friendship with this person under these circumstances because. . .cookies, he is CREEPY. I have no idea how to handle this. Advice would be marvelous.
p.s. He has my phone number.

--

I very recently finished the unabridged Peter Pan, by J.M Barrie. The book outshone the adjective of 'charming'. I had never read any childhood story's pre-Disney plot or style before, and I now know it is a must. The imagination seen in Disney's version is classic, hey ho, it's coated in gold. Yet I see the whimsicality and the grace in Peter's story through the words themselves, just as J.M Barrie wanted it. I read this ironically during a period of days where I truly didn't want to live on Earth. I swam to Neverland, and let myself melt into the words. It was exhierating. I've forgotten over this summer how great books are, really. I've sat at home, twiddling my thumbs, knowing how much time I've had to do just that. But for some reason I've wanted to watch something. I haven't been wanting to think or read, interpret or opinionize because it sudden gripped my and broke my spine. Thought upsets me now. I'm fragile again, and emotional. Not going to learn everyday and coming home with something I must do works for two and half months or so. But it's starting to really nibble at me.

I have glimpsed at J.M's way now. He was a English man, to say the least and the most. He wore thin ties and tie-ups. He probably smiled very much at very little. I would have liked to have a hot drink with him in the middle of January.

Vivien Leigh

She was born into war, and left fighting one. Many say she is one of the best actresses ever to live, holding roles such as 'Lady Macbeth' and Scarlett in 'Gone With The Wind', while still using her beauty to etch her roles perfectly. I was priveledged to watch her most famous movie with my grandmother last week. Gone With The Wind blew me away. I hadn't seen it before. I thought the story made the fame, but it is both, you see. I also just watched Waterloo Bridge with her starring and I left the room sobbing. Actresses who bring color to black and white images are sealed in time, and cannot be brought back. I personally think that movies have declined in quality when color and effects were brought into play. Vivien Leigh died in 1967, due to chronic tuberculosis.

I had to!

2009-07-22T00:58:00.000-04:00

2009-07-07T16:34:00.001-04:00

The Pinpoint

"When I consider Life and its few years--

A wisp of fog betwixt us and the sun;

A call to battle, and the battle done

Ere the last echo dies within our ears."

- Lizette Woodworth Reese, Tears

{Currents}

New couches, bargain books, antics of small children, cause and effect living, anthony bourdain, travel, architecture

I've realized that life comes in sets, almost. What we do, the way we think, and even how we live is almost directly reflected from the earth and it's means of living as well. Some are freed by the summer breeze, others happy inside as the snow battles on during the winter months. For a period of time, I may or may not want tea all the time. The next month, coffee. Other months, one might live in the footsteps of the past, perhaps on purpose. Seasons and phases of life remind some of so much more than that second; direct objects or actions remind me of certain things about the past, or my life I'll admit openly. It's almost as if it's all a deep and richly colored velour bag of events and emotion, and our job as a person on this earth is to stick our plucky hand inside and grab whatever we'd like, even if we know the outcome.

I remember a few months ago I craved the classics and far too sophisticated reading material like a pregnant women with obscure foods. I wanted Poe in my dreams, Victor Hugo was my best friend, and Lewis Carroll was always at the top of the permanent book pile in the study.

And The Labyrinth was the chilly lake at my feet that I dare not swim in, that I repeatedly declined to enter and blamed it on the water snakes. Yet now, I'm almost disenchanted with myself, quite possibly my life too. I haven't really touched a 'legitimate' book in a while. I hold a lot of books to rediculous standards, too. Put it this way, I think the only Young Adult authors that are any good are John Green, Laurie Halse Anderson, and possibly Maureen Johnson. I can't judge, because I haven't laid a hand on any of her books yet.

I think it's kind of sick in a completely human way that each and every one of us is a labelist somehow. Due to the public outcry for a pop culture leader, the media has made fashion labelism the most common, in my mind. But it's no worse than what some other people might do. For instance, reading something outrageously dense by an author's name that you can't prenounce and have no interest in reading is labelism. It's the image, the acryllic painting that dries fast and makes an impression that impels you to pick the book up and reluctantly waste two or three days of your life reading it. And face it; you still don't understand what the author is talking about even after you sparknotes it.

Perhaps the way we write, too, comes in phases. Blame it on state of mind; yet at times I can sweat adjectives, and be as romantic and poetic as I please, but others the will and the words just aren't there. But what is it based on? Perhaps it's all based on patience. Patience with the mind, and oneself, to let the idea come and flourish. That's why sequels to books that come out six months to a year of the last usually aren't of the same quality. The author and inventor of thoughts and dialouge had a deadline, and a restriction or limitation of time to dream and write or test out storylines and all else literary.

Anyway, I have found it strange that I am not consistent with style. Sometimes I'll beat around the bush with colorful phrases. Other times, I pull a John Green and put it out there as if I'm telling you in person or on the phone. It's like bowling with myself; its an abyss of knowing exactly what to do to even have a chance at success, walking up, slightly staggering from the weight of the ball, and giving a good go at it, even though in the end I know I'm an amateur.

inside the looking glass

Pet Names

At times, I think they are a hybrid of whimsicality, acceptance, and fantasy. Some truly make me scoff, and beg to differ on the topic of regularity with a rousing chorus of 'oh, please'. My parents had pet names; bear. They called each other bear, because of some rediculously long and drawing incident involving the animals, yet it died many years ago. Anything beginning with 'sch' is in an instantaneous invitation to roll your eyes. Anything that reminds you of a family member pinching your cheeks and scrunching their face as if a bemused newborn is unacceptable title. If any future specific other of mine attempts to call me 'Pooh bear', I will assume they are cheating on me. Pet names should never be cliché. They should involve a personification of the connection you have with another person you love or care deeply about, by referencing a moment or symbol only you two understand. Doesn't it ever-so-slightly ruin the point if other people understand the name, and just recognize you use it because it's adorable (to you and everybody else, but actually has no other purpose or meaning)?

I'm just biased. Mollywobbles kicks ass, and probably has some psychosexual meaning too behind it.

Anthony Bourdain

This man is the happy meal of travel entertainment. This man was born in New York City and raised in New Jersey, which is as I know a true place in America where you can slightly hear the bubbling of the melting pot 24/7. My family comes from there, too; Italian, Irish, Scottish, German. Any nationality that resides in America, resides in New Jersey. Naturally, this interesting man was born into a ravine of culture. Yet it is general knowledge that each country represents itself with food, part of the large and overshadowing idea of culture. And this man loved it from the start, so it seems. I once watched an episode of No Reservations, featuring Chinatown and Manhattan food, where Bourdain noted that Manhattan was his family's Friendly's. Although they experience the Americanized side of whatever ethnic food, he was still tasting, thinking, and investigation each flavor with his tongue and mind. He noted in one of his books that he began his lifelong lover affair with food in France. Not a surprise, is it cookies?

What's the most charming aspect of his persona is how true and real he is when dealing with his passion of food. Also, he stretches his ideas of countries by getting down and dirty with each dish he tries, scary as it may look. He lives inside the labyrinth in style, while ne'er forgetting that food is a game of show and tell.

I'm sorry for such a long time away. I was working every day from 9 to 3, and was tired and not in the mood to blog. They'll be more common now.

still I wear the red dress, paint my toes and twirl, take it back to old time, when I was still a girl

2009-06-13T22:07:00.008-04:00

The Pinpoint

"ADRIFT! A little boat adrift!
And night is coming down!
Will no one guide a little boat
Unto the nearest town?

So sailors say, on yesterday,
Just as the dusk was brown,
One little boat gave up its strife,
And gurgled down and down.

But angels say, on yesterday,
Just as the dawn was red,
One little boat o’erspent with gales
Retrimmed its masts, redecked its sails
Exultant, onward sped!" -Emily Dickinson {Currents} Too-sweet coffee, ignoring people in general, photoshop, grey's anatomy, not getting dressed. {Constants} Feeling; Loneliness. Desire; Solace, books, and change.

then

I opened my pretty hazel eyes to light, every single morning. Life was sunshine, daisies, buttermellow, seersucker dresses and adoring smiles, as life was a festival of itself. I'd hold mum's hand, and we would edge gently through crowds. Summer was a breeze; I wore a hot pink bathing suit with tou-tou attachment, snorkeled under water, and laid on the warm summer grass, a spec of pure white in an emerald abyss. I'd sit in the attic during each terrible storm wearing each old and mothball-clad fur coat, and wonder what it was like to be a beam of lightning. To be seen, quickly, and unseen in the same second. My attic was the rooftops of London, the very highest dune in the desert, and Mt. Everest with the smell of old firewood. I believed a peacock lived inside the carpet, which it did. DreamCast was the wave of the future, whilst Simon {says} was the closest thing to God any of us fathomed.

My mother grew tomatoes and violets in the garden, cucumbers and thyme, and the rhythmic sound of her knife pummeling the wooden cutting board is what I hear in every song's bass drumbeat. I lived off mozzarella and tomato salad, and Danimals was in my bloodstream all day long. My hairdresser (to this very day) sought to give me 'the rachel'.

I seek a great perhaps

One of the forever fought battles of humanity is the prospect of life after death, death after life, and whether the Three Baskets, Koran, Bible, Torah, or the Vedas have been bullshitting us for thousands of years. False hope and blind faith are, in my cranium, exactly like that sinfully good dessert you plan your calories (life) around to eat, nibble, chew, and try to push away. Yet we all know deep down it's futile; blind faith is the world's chewing gum, whose flavor never fades into a dull spectrum.

Christianity preaches a heaven and a hell, each a place that is based on how you exactly deserve placement on the guest list there. If you are a bad person, specifically not a good Christian, you go to hell. Hell is punishment for not fulfilling a good and Christian life; therefore, heaven is exactly the opposite. We love a reward. Eternal happiness is our sanctuary; if we live a good and clean life, we shall be free of darkness forever. God will free your chains, according to the core values of this religion.

Hinduism is based on karma; karma is directly connected with the cycle of reincarnation, which is a cycle of the body of a person dying, the soul lingering and superseding the body of another organism. This is a ferris wheel of right or wrong as well; you continue to live and die until your karma is good enough (how high you karma remains is based on your dharma, which is one's general responsibilities as a person) to reach moksha, which is when your soul is connected with brahma, which is the single cosmic force that controls the world. This religion too promises eternal happiness and enlightenment, but is it based on you, truly?

Each one of use, poor, rich, big or small closes their eyes every nigh and dreams. Dreaming is the brains way of sinking into a lake of contemplation forevermore, and growing the utmost gills and breathing until the light of day reaches us. Many, many people I have come in contact with dream or have dreamed of a personal oil painting of heaven. Edmund Pevensie dreams of Turkish Delight, some imagine heaven being without a thing or event, perhaps a person too.

Personal Image of Heaven:

I feel at a festival, a place of unity but peace. Thoughts and words unwanted flow unharried the breeze. A violin is played so lovingly; the player embeds promise and dedication into each prolonged note. It makes me want to close my eyes. Chairs of vines and tables of forest wood are cast blues, greens, a silly pink or rose, as fairy lights forever glow. We are dressed in comfort.

Ballet dancers falls, leap like flower petals against the water's surface. Fruits of beauty and taste are fora ll. Grapes explode with taste, a white juice spilling like a dam into our mouths.

I hear Ella singing, humming through her teeth, lips sealed; her voice is smooth, like a lullaby, she makes me dream so sweetly. Her warmth gives me hope, for what? Narcissism? Myself, my Life, the universe? And anyway, do I dare disturb it?

Everything is glittering, and it all makes me feel so warm and lovely and pretty inside and out.

There is sanity painting the lines of the grass, the curve of the chairs, it illustrates the scene as if I live in a snow globe, watched by somebody who dares to dream.

I fabricate a heaven that roses are carved of sapphires, pastels, and a date that I learned to fly. Where the stars sing you to sleep, and when those who arrive are still listening to the lingering words of those who say goodbye for the present. Would there be a present? There would be a present. But, a past or future. . .

there's a piano of every street corner. Children sit around it, listening to deep and sultry tones until they're called for dinner, which is always good. And everybody is always hungry when mother's ready to feed. Glamour had lost it's unfriendly charm. The world can dream and seek what is in reach, forevermore, and grandmothers knit all the time, random articles of clothing; they are always appreciated. Kids love them in my heaven, and everybody loves everyone's outfit and hair, face and wit, because it is different.

And there is always, always one to guide whomever's ship unto the nearest town.

2009-06-11T12:44:00.004-04:00

The Pinpoint

"Let me tell you something about Claire. She loves constants. Things that don't go away. So don't go away."

-Garden Spells, Sarah Addison Allen.

{Currents}

movies, specifically anything with audrey tautou, nostalgia, black and white, rachael yamagata, family frustration, nail chewing, Sarah Addison Allen

{Constants}

love of small spaces, my cat's mood swings, hot drink enthusiasm, thinking too much about the future (30's. Turns out, I am one of those people who thinks a persons 30's are the ideal time.)

It's nice to feel my skin slowly cooling down. The hot, beaming lights of public satisfaction and desire to prove my god forsaken message is accomplished, slightly, at least gone. Summer is here, but the season has become a symbol instead of a forecast nowadays. Yesterday was the 'graduation', and now I'm just here. In the nook of a study room, in the very corner, unseen from the door, tucked into a chair on my own. How I like it. An avant-garde type of plunge I took.

The day before yesterday, a strange man came to our house, to take some of our furniture for re-upholstering. He took my usual study room chair, how shredded it was, my old and raggedy TV room Queen Anne chair, and I now feel slightly naked. Nevertheless comfortable, because I am here and nobody else is, which I ne'er have had for seemingly months, years, centuries. I've been leaning my head against the wall for a month, and now I am granted the truth from myself that this is what I need and needed. I have missed the sound of the rain, accompanied by nothing except the click and snap of keys on my laptop running, summersaulting through my blood.

I sat, in this new but equally friendly chair, and wondered about my old chair. In a month and a half, it is going to return to me, covered in new and majestic fabric. And seemingly, it's owner will too.

Unsurprisingly, thoughts of past ticking of the clock and beyond have been slowly administered to me like an IV for the past few weeks. So much color and sound, words and faces have returned to me. I remembered sitting down with a piece of paper larger than me as a three foot tall tuft of curls and drawing pocahontas. My mother took me too weekly art lessons in first, second, and third grade, as I simply could be myself for an hour with roughly twelve other children. I could jump into the pool of everything, anything, and have as lacey, or ridiculous tea party with those I connected with as I wanted. And it was marvelous.

Naturally, I've picked up a pottery class at the same local art school, and I'm going to give it a go. I've always had a crush on pottery; but my ridiculous and baggy sense of self always hid me so effortlessly, and forcefully away from it. I chortle that besides this fact, I was always the one to score a point for the other team in community soccer or basketball, both of which I am horrific at.

I fathom I was never tan for a reason.

Most Common Thoughts Of Recent

-Boarding school life

When it comes to topics such as these, it is incredibly difficult to determine if I'm biased from reading Harry Potter and Looking For Alaska, as well as watching Dead Poet's Society a total of one million times, and am just expecting too much. Is it freedom, independence, a shove, thrust, and cascade into self-trust and obligation? Or is it being dropped off an unclimbable precipice, into a large and uncongenial dark lake of stress and loneliness, with no area of return? I am not one to climb the rope, or take part in risk. I am a cowardly yet slightly proud believer in fact and no chance, prediction that deems itself correct and peace in knowing that one is safe from harm or mistake. Boarding school is the great risk of my life. It is a lose or win situation.

-Myself in adulthood

This has been chewing on me for at least a month. Infectious to my dreams, the future is a way that I have made excuses for escaping the present, as Alaska Young once taught me. When I close my sore eyes, I hear and see the ideal version of what I am right now. Laughing, smiling, happy, witty, tall and skinny, with frizz-free shiny hair. I'm smart and well-respected, and beautiful on the inside too.

Also, a good half of more of this unnecessary dreaming has to do with housing and job. I imagine myself a female Remus Lupin type; witty, wise, vast amounts of w's. I imaging eating off plates I made myself from the wheel, bowls as well. I'd drink coffee whenever I royally pleased, and spell a little like dried flowers all the time. Tights, a corduroy skirt, thick sweaters and bright eyes I would wear in or out of my Vermont house, I'd drive to a nearby boarding school every day and teach English to those who cared enough to apply to come there. My cat would be even-tempered. I would be at peace, somewhat. It is, as many say, good to dream.

new

2009-06-11T12:33:00.006-04:00

this is it.

a new blog post template.

everything is more organized now, hopefully, and I will be seeing the Advil bottle less and less.

(presses ignition button, connected to brainwaves, and all color is seen everywhere.)

welcome to 2009

2009-06-07T00:06:00.003-04:00

It's a rough world.

{{p.s}} school gets out on wednesday. prepare for blogger bombings in a very repetitive manner.

2009-05-25T01:38:00.002-04:00

i'll keep the brainwaves flowing past june, thanks

I have a certain uneasiness inside me about summer. I'm taking French 1, Biology, and I volunteered as a CIT (Counselor in Training) for my school's summer camp. I love kids, though; so intriguing. I wish I could keep memories in glass vials. Might as well be bollocks, or else I'd waste myself away like a happiness-hungry man in front of the Mirror of Erised. I've been lost in books more than usual as well; God, I love the idea of characters never hurting me. For every day that seems to slip by, I hear the panging, clicking noise of the Great Perhaps {François Rabelais} sticking it's long, bony finger in the crook of my back.

Uncomfortable? Yes. Healthy? Perhaps not. Addicting? Quite slightly. I feel slightly stuck between the life and death of an era in my life. As if I'm waking up from a long and cold and horrid dream, as somebody else. Like somebody all along has been waiting for me in the car, with the heat already on in this blistering cold new sense of self. I get butterflies at the thought of being myself around others. No matter. I have an attempted clean slate next year, I suppose, and a true disinfecting appearance the year after that. My long but wide fingers are positively sighing with pain from drumming them so much on so many different surfaces. Confusion isn't so far off the chalkboard these days, daily.

oh the times, they are a-changin'

365 days. Where will I be? Dead? Alone? Happy? I'll be sitting here, thinking the muffin-tin pattern way of analyzing; what is to come. I realize now that time is literally the roots, the leaves of the fall, and everything that makes up life. We think of the future to escape the present. We don't want to shed a thought, a tear, on the present, because it may or may not be too upsetting to recognize or grasp. So, in turn, we plan for the future. I believe it to be our way of a protection program; we want to do X, Y, and Z, so it doesn't end up at the point of planning the future yet again. It's usually meaningless words; those who promise themselves the moon and the stars, and so much beyond sometimes never emerge into death having done all or any of what the dreamt of. We explore our options, clever as they may seem, in hope for what we are told from childhood is 'your niche'. What a hoax, I proclaim. What an effing hoax.

'Freshman Orientation' drunkenly toppled over us. I met a girl, Mari it's spelled, pronounced like 'Maria'. She was Slovenian, Russian, and somewhere else too. Sometimes it feels like I'm looking at a globe, more than a crowd of people. Their personal flags are facial features. She looked like Rory Gilmore. I need to get the hell away from that TV, man.

boys

Lyke, ohmigod. Yup, you though I'd never mention? Contrary to what wriggles it's way on here, much much more goes on...up *here*. (Creepily points to noggin.) Yes, it turns out, I happen to be in a bite-sized rut. Yes, a guy does like me. No, I do not reciprocate. I will continue to pull the expected and all-too predictable 'Christina' move and COMPLETELY ignore it until it ebbs away into the tide. I was never talented with the young men. Nor do I ever plan to be. That's right, kids, I plan to marry somebody as nerdy and awkward as me. I've heard it's an aquired talent. I've always though it was just rediculous.

When women described 'The Prince', something always squirms. I just hope to find somebody who cares about more than the letters of love themselves, who can lay back on the fact that it's an individual journey. Psht, and besides the glasses. MUST. HAVE. GLASSES. I always secretly wished that'd I would end up wearing a smile brimming with contempt at those who took it too seriously; those who ran through the feild of love, but didn't stop ot smell the flowers. I mean, they're there to be seen. I hope, more than anything else to just be loved. It's what I've lacked in the last few years. Acceptance. But I'm Road Runner. Don't play by the rules, and therefore am/will be repeatedly kicked straight in the ass for it. One day, I hope to find somebody who wears their baggy rolled up shirts over their skinny, bony body in hope of forgetting. One who looks like they have a headache all the time, but can always create a second out of thin air for you. Seriously sarcastic. A man that you could see, hiding his historic eyes behind a typeing-toned forearm, in a black and white photograph while traipsing an improvised smirk across his strongly-featured face.

nighttime dreams

Dreams are my favorite part of the day. I feel like a potter; I can take reality, wet it, spin it through my fingers, twine it however I like, and create something distorted, and beautiful, and unique from the monotony of it all. And yet, I feel, at the end of the night, and the beginning of the day, I find trouble in washing the excess mud off my tired fingers. I wake uncharged; I don't have to think about a damn thing if I don't want to in my dreams. I feel like my head waits for me, day and night, like a festival slowly being built. I realize something slightly new about myself; therefore, a booth is built in my dreams. It's all so cryptic, really; I'm having a hard time not throwing my hands up and sighing oh-so-dramatically. If only I were french; I could cake myself with makeup and exhaggerate my vowels all I please, but still come to the cold and slimy reality that sleep is not the answer. Living is the answer.

blind faith

I think it's something we desire. It's what's comfortable versus what's real or not real. But how has and can it change lives faster than any therapist out there? Blind faith is religion. Belief, and practice of faith. Millions of people say into those fateful Telovision microphones on Oprah, and Maury, and Ellen that it was "God" or "Jesus Christ" or "Faith" itself. Maybe I'm just ignorant. Scratch that. I am.

It comes in different colors, blind faith. Faith in the future; I believe that one day all cancers will be cured. But there is almost no evidence stating that it will happen. Personally, it's striking me that believing in "The Final Judgement" and the curing of an extremely deadly disease falls into two completely different categories. But hey, that's just me. It's secretly what fuels us; Blind Faith can easy be twirled and stirred into the definition of faith itself, in anything really, and be passed of as a fake-designer-purse sort of deal. They looks and feel and seem exactly the same. But you pay much, much more for the real thing. Public ridicule at times. Unanswered questions. Hardship in continuing belief. Man, maybe this is the wonder pill. Perhaps God and Faith are half each, making Tinkerbell. And the self motivation that comes with her is the pixie dust.

Oh, look who's a narcissist!

2009-05-18T16:16:00.003-04:00

(Exhales slightly with a little bit of sound)

COOKIES! Oh my god, COOKIES! I'm so sorry, really, let me send you a water melon, or, or, a mug or something...oh, I am extremely guilty. My life has been Gilmore Girls, What I Like About You, breezes, boxers, books, COFFEE (I'll get into that later), and lack of sleep, or droning noise in my head. Who knows?

So, I sorta retracted myself from society. Had a liiiiiitle bit of a freak out, so, I'm trying to get back on track. No fancy words, metaphors. Just gonna say it right now. Or, well, type it. Because I have been band-aiding it all with faux artistry, adjectives, quotes of other works and people. The bottom line is, I'm everything at the same time.

It is, in fact, the end of the year. It is the end of the year, and I am stressed. My family on my father's side is known for comlusive behavior, and I have found that at time I really don't take stress well. I get compulsive too. About a month ago, I came home from school, just like any other day. I came home, slowly slid my backpack off my sleeve as usual. There it was. I always loved coffee. I had my first cup in first grade. Then my mom realized I loved it. I learned how to work the machine in second grade. But I NEVER used it. I would occasionally drink a cup throughout this year; I pretty much DOVE for it that day. Every day, two cups since. I thiiiink I'm literally getting addicted. Now I am absoloutely cutting it, for good. No more. I'm getting jittery, and no sleep. Decaf tea and water. And soymilk. Thats it. Also, I've had more than I could bargain for gonig on. I really hate spring; everything just slooowly piles up. I need to get my schoolwork (a few papers and projects) done. It's hanging over my head, slightly suffocating. So, thankfully, I buckled down and got a pretty good amount done with my projects and papers.

I AM STILL VERY SCARED OF THE FUTURE, HOWEVER.

We're doing a unit on the Vietnam War, and my teacher is giving us the option to do an extra credit project to er...earn points, I guess. I'm writing a paper on the impact of the war on modern literature. Am I the only one who thinks that anybody who says 'the impact of the Vietnam War on modern literature' will inarguably sound incredibly smart?

Also, tonight is strange. I am going to post this, leaking everything out, and then post another blog subsequently. Mostly because I am, in fact, pretty er...swollen with thoughts, and though I'd get the unnecessary and selfish rant out of the way first. Then I can hopefully make a tad bit of room for crap that actually matters.

Oh, the tagsss.

2009-05-03T17:20:00.005-04:00

*The rules*:
1. Respond and rework; answer the question on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention, and if you want -add more questions of your own!

2. Tag 8 other people: I have nobody to tag. Seriously!

What is your current obsession?
-National Geographic, Travel Channel, ABC Family, TBS

-GILMORE GIRLS (guilty pleasure. cut me a break!)

-Eating out

-Ministry of Magic

-any clothing that mememolly would wear.

Do you want kids? If so, boy or girl, or indifferent?

I'm on the fence with this one. If I have kids, I'd like two girls. Violet and Luna, most likely adopted. I just don't want to actualy get pregnant, and go through the nine months of pregnancy.

What is your favorite food?
-Either burgers/fries or pad thai.

What is your favorite smell?
-Old books or another person.

What are you wearing today?
-Boxers with little piggies on them!
-American apparel t shirt with capital and lowercase A.
-Purple legwarmers.

Why is today awesome?
-Because I'm reading Looking for Alaska!

What would you like to learn to do?
-Play the violin, or Celtic Fiddle. Lifelong dream, but probably never going to happen.

When are you the most inspired?
-Usually when I'm watching other people. I'll slip dialogue into the conversation inside my head, and before I know it, I've got character names, a topic, and prose being typed into my brain tissue.

What's the last thing you bought?
-Er...that was at least a month ago, I'm guessing something at Urban Outfitters when I was shopping with my mom? (See two posts ago.)

What is your most challenging goal right now?
-Keeping my grades spitspot and staying grateful, happy, and sane. And not reopening scabs that are on their way to healing. (Not literally; mostly about the whole Mollie thing.)

If you could have a home totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
-Vermont, Ireland, or NYC.

What's your must have piece for summer?
-Skirts!

What would you like to have in your hands right now?
-A Starbucks coffee. Yes, I KNOW they're off the wall expensive, but I haven't had one in SEVEN MONTHS. SEVEN!
-A letter explaining how it all came to be.

-Food.

What would you like to get rid of?
-On a vain note, anything I've gained weight-wise since November.

-J.J.

-M.K.

-Murderers

-Rapists

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
-I think...the rink.

What are your plans for the future?
-Go to boarding school
-Move up north, and teacher high lever English class at a boarding school
-Write at least four books
-Live in Ireland for at least 10 years

-Maybe get married? Who knows.

Who do you want to meet right now??
-I can't be sure.

Who is your favorite model?
-Er...?

favorite label/shop?
-Urban Outfitters

What is your favourite piece of clothing in your own closet?
-My patterned high waist skirt...I don't know!

If you had 10,000 dollars now, what would you spend it on?
-Charity, books, clothing, CD's, and a lot of random crap I've wanted for a while.

Do you admire anyone's style?
-MEMEMOLLY!

Describe your personal style?
-Unique, and honestly...weird.

What are you going to do after this?
-Watch Dancing With The Stars

What is the best book you've ever read?
-Harry Potter, or An Abundance of Katherines, or Bless The Beasts And Children.

What do you think about the person who tagged you?
Hannah! My god, she's amaaaaazing. My long lost twin! She has inspired me to remember that I am never alone, and really really makes me happy to still be here, living. Honestly. Such a lovely person. I need to meet her someday.

"Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky,"

2009-05-03T16:26:00.003-04:00

May 2

Two weeks ago, I was at the Kind of Prussia Mall in Philadelphia with my mother. We went straight after leaving Lydia's house (the sleepover from hell. see last post.) to find a dress for the spring formal dance at my school. Half way into the 'excursion', it finally hit me; I didn't want to go. I looked at my mother, her hand wrapped slightly around a clothing rack at Urban Outfitters and said with attempted pride, "I'm not going to the dance next week."

We spent the rest of the time having fun, shopping (for once), and just hanging out together. Fervent as the choice was, I proudly smiled when I told Lydia and Anastasia my choice. Long story short, I got dumped again. Exactly like Mollie dumped me.

On Thursday, I found that my friend Nathan wasn't going either. Our families have been friend since we were babies (literally!), and so the idea of a trip to New York ensued.

We saw Mary Poppins on Broadway, which was excellent. I was taken back to the very moment of my age of 4 during the show. I was so very mesmerized by the effects, the staging, the acting, and most of all the dancing and singing. The building was built one hundred and five years ago; The New Amsterdam Theatre. The experience was truly unforgettable. Anybody who's looking for a Broadway show to see in New York, please, see it!

For once in my life, I ACTUALLY took pictures!

Saint Patrick's Church

Times Square

Not in the moooood to think of a title. Really...

2009-04-26T16:27:00.003-04:00

It is 9freakin'5 degrees out.

Ew.
I REALLY hate hot weather. Honestly, since I was yae (puts flattened hand next to knee cap) high I always loved the cold, the winter blasts. Ah, there's nothing like learning about Kinetic Molecular Theory while dripping the Atlantic Ocean in sweat. Thank you, overpriced Middle School. You shall forever give me the love of air conditioning. I'm growing tiiiiired of school. I love school, however retaining and learning and forcing myself to sponge-bath information into my head. But not at this school. Most of my breath at school is no, not wasted, but used to remind thyself with the sweet and fruitful words of the hopeful future; One year 'till I'm out. I've been having slightly venomous altercations with myself over a lot lately. Mainly, it's just frustration. Maybe I'm just socially incapable, or perhaps the brazen title of 'nuts'. But however one shall like to spin it, I end up in the same situation time and time again. Perhaps I just haven't found the right friend. But really, it's just starting to get annoying. I've come to find, I'm just like everybody else in basic desire. I long for a lot of the same ideas as everybody else, but in more specific ways and in slightly obscured examples. Examples that most cannot see under the metaphorical lamp, but under a UV light. Yeah, the UV light of my Lemony-Snicket forsaken life. I was never one to be 'trendy'. But, I'm coming to find that being 'trendy' might play a huge part in being generally 'accepted', but they are incredulously two different ideas and topics. Just like the other 6.8 billion people out there, I'd just love to be accepted right about now. I went to one of those 'so bad you truly contemplate faking your period and going home' sleepovers for my friend on Friday. The girls sat in a circle and gossiped. I timed it. One hour. Chinese food (which was pretty good...), the cliché, and then smores and running around in Lydia's backyard. Point, basically? Ignored. Again. Bored. Again. Pivotal point in this rambling smoothie of desire to be free of contempt? I'm free of sleepovers. Informed the two (Stasia and Lydia) that there is just simply no way that I'm going to 1) Sleep over this coming Saturday at Lydia's for Spring Dance. And 2) Go to Spring Dance period. I have had enough of all this silliness; call me cynical, critical, a fogey, a pessimist, ungrateful, a bitch, anti-social, strange, obscure, weird, out-of-the-ordinary, an indie, a pseudo-indie, a poser, true, correct, wrong, crazy, sane, or any other new or old adjective. I have had enough with being correct in the pupils of all else with a pulse; it is, in fact, time to look my fear of confrontation in the eyes and blow in it's face. I spit at the shoes of the past; too young to think past my age, perhaps, but I am not at my breaking point. I am not, I hope. I am merely a frustrated little girl past her metric line of tolerance for the cookie-cutter life of the number 14/13. Yes, the paint that MAKES the line is the breaking point, but...okay, I'm honestly thinking too much. This post was raw. Unsure about posting this. I'm doing it anyway. See, I DO have a brain!
Christina posts to new post, smiles, nods, showing large example of rambling thoughts that are the fishnet of her mental ocean.
It's been a while since I've said this, but see you soon, cookies!

at a loss

2009-04-22T23:20:00.002-04:00

for words.

the circular theory

2009-04-17T23:40:00.001-04:00

So, a few days ago, I was at a live BlogTV show with John Green. Every show, he reads the viewers something, usually an excerpt from a book, a few poems, or a speech. This time, he read David Foster Wallace's 2005 Kenyon Commencement Speech. He explain so many points, but struck me on one specific story and anecdote; selfishness, and how most times we only think about the false image of the universe revolving around us. You know it's true.

We tend to, as normal people, think to ourselves about the great or innocent aspects of everyday life; I hope I have time for breakfast, I hope the bus isn't late, I hope there isn't traffic, I'm sure as hell not going to Dunkin' Donuts today, the line will be jammed. Do you, the reader, the listener, discern any connections between the phrases and letter I just used as example? They all have to do with our way of travel, our means of getting through the day. We think of what will affect us, and our day to day agendas. This is a bit of a translucent topic; many say we are build with the will to survive. Survival, in most people's mind, is looking out for oneself and putting your life in front of everything else.

And so, I sit here so content, typing away a life that's lived so generically by so many others. So many others enjoy the unexpected, and the unnoticed. Many others enjoy unique forms of enjoyment, perhaps the same arrangement of mine, and so I am considered unique for it. If the world could only see that I am but a leaf on a vast tree, perhaps larger or smaller or brighter colored, as if the fall had always flourished in the minds and hearts of those who stand clear and far from those inside the circle. The Circle, oh yes, and what a circle it is. The Circle seems a bit like a world in itself; dark corners, public knowledge, and all that dwells on both sides of the imaginable.

Yet in the past, I have crossed the line, into the circle, but was eroded and washed away by the ocean beach waves surrounding the line. I, in fact, became the line. An atom, inside the line, crunched up and sharing unnecessary but secretly desired company with the secret world of the unique. And yes, I look to my left; a lilac eyed, doe-faced girl digs her head into a book, sharing not a care for anything outside her province of imagination. And a boy, to my right, fiddles ingeniously with a model of a cancerous cell, one day creating his reverie of hope into a cast sense of safety and optimism, on the verge of tears with determination. He looks at me, stares for the briefest of moments, nods tightly, and slowly returns to his method or rhythm of thought and pensive attitude.

This is a sampling of the random s**t that goes through my head all day long.

John Green.

Here comes Peter Cottontail...

2009-04-10T01:38:00.002-04:00

RAIN CHECK, COOKIES. Busy with Gran from Ridgewood, and Mum getting ready for sunday, and enjoying break! I swear, expect I'll have a lengthy post I've been nibbling on tomorrow!

I've got nothing to say, but it's okay...

2009-04-08T23:35:00.004-04:00

I'm going to tell you my life story, because I honestly haven't a thing to say right now! God, I hope this doesn't seem narcissistic. Even though it totally is.
On July 11, year undisclosed, Christina Celeste Last Name Not Mentioned was born in a seemingly small town of Pennsylvania. As my father has reminisced, many times, he noted just when I was born that I looked like a large peach; I was round, UNDOUBTEBLY, red, and fuzzy. I apparently continued to purse my lips, and not say much, and seemed to 'look like I wasn't enjoying myself in the limelight of the delivery room from nurses and family'. I smile at the fact; I think this initial behavior would channel my later personality, but was faint in my first few years.
1- 4
My entire family resided in Western New Jersey. My mother's side lived in Livingston, and my father's in Ridgewood. Weekly visits ensued, creating almost a 'double life' for me. I'd go to preschool, or in my suuper littleness chill around my house with mum, watching Little Bear and Blues clues, while gardening and playing with the cat, Ricky. I attended a small pre-school, unattached from the school I ended up at for my entire life, so far. When I was three, almost four, my family (on my mother's side; my gran, Charlie [grandfather], my aunt, my brother, mother, and father) and I went to Disney World. This trip was momentous; when I actually think about it, this trip was almost a pivotal event in my life. It was the last time I would travel anywhere with my entire family, specifically my grandfather Charlie, and was the beginning of many ideas and parts of my life, too; it sparked my interest in inventing and creating, thinking and dwelling upon the impossible, and initially opened the door to my already blooming imagination. I saw many different colors and ideas and daydreams on that trip, let's just say, that never left me and still tinker on the brink of ridiculous. I met Alice from Alice in Wonderland, who convinced me to ride on the notorious Teacups ride in Disneyland's Magic Kingdom. Perhaps I've mentioned something like, "Never getting off the ride," in one of my past posts.

5 - 10

Through five to ten, not much except the existance of an ignorant child happened. I went to school, was ignored by mostly everybody (leaving me to the inside of my head, starting that itchy habit, and my imagination), and started figure skating in second grade. Skating was my life; it was a drain pipe to the rain of it all, and let this alleged rain water to freeze, and serve as an outlet to stress and artistry. After the death of Charlie about a year after the trip to disney, and four or five years after that, my grandmother (wife of Charlie, on my mum's side) moved out to pennsylvania, to be close to myself and my brother, as well as my parents. My aunt lived with her, to take care of her, for she couldn't really take care of herself well, and still can't. I was there every single day, right after skating practice to 8:00 P.M. I'd swim in the pool (it's a ranch house, with a pool) every day of summer, and often invited the one childhood friend I had over to swim.

10 - now.

When I started fifth grade, in about...October, I met my 'best friend' (the same one that ruined my life...?) and all seemed to be well. I was basically tricked into ignoring the few friends I had, and ditched them for this new...bi - I mean friend. This was the beginning of things getting out of hand. Sixth grade was horrible; socially, except for the best friend, I was incessantly bullied and hassled. I had the self esteem of a...person with no self - esteem! I tried to fit in so bad, but was next successful. I learned to not attempt to fit in unless I naturally do (which I don't) through all that. Seventh grade was the worst year of my life to date; I developed a nasty case of Panic & Anxiety disorder, lost a ton of weight from it, and developed numerous health problems due to the lack of not eating healthy.

I was a nervous wreck, and was also having serious issues with my Latin teacher (who left the school), who verbally, emotionally, and somewhat physically abused not only me but my classmates. My grades were horrible because as a person, I was doing horrible. Thankfully, I finally got help and picked myself up off my feet, and started eight grade on the best foot possible. I was ditched by the friend (I was heartbroken for months, but now am okay most of the time), but found better, nicer people to spend the time I have for socializing. I started writing a ton more than before, and started reading quality books and being a generally happier person. I also have been getting amazing grades the entire year. I've grown up a lot. That's the best part.

I TAG ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO DO THIS. Please don't think I'm narcissistic, I really had nothing to say, and promised a long post! Haha!

I'm so ridiculous.

2009-04-04T22:07:00.003-04:00

Today's been chill, quite honestly, for the first time in a while. It consisted of making dinner, working on my overly put off English project, going to a live Pottercast over ustream, talking to some fans and such, making inside jokes with the usuals at the live events, and drinking tea. I just feel really really tired all the time; I'm never not drained! B12 deficiency does run in my family; I'm starting to wonder if that's the case.

   There's this issue I've been meaning to blog about for a really long time; this may tie in with my really bad case of Panic & Anxiety Disorder, landing me at rock bottom at the end of seventh grade, I can't be sure. For the longest time, I've always turned to writing and reading for comfort, a non-tangible friend, or a safe place in a troubling world. However, somehow and someway, I've scared myself partially away from even that. I've started to almost make myself expectations for my literary life. Example; a little voice inside me is constantly saying, "You shouldn't be reading modern books you find at B&N. You should be reading classics. You're not a literature lover unless you do." Or, "You should be writing every single day. Your not an author or writer unless you do. You should always be in the mood to read, or write. How and why do you call yourself a literature-based person unless you do?"
   It just upsets me, the entire thing. I hate that I do this to myself. I really do. I hate that I scare myself away from everything, even what I want. I lack mental self control, and I lead a life of fear. I've become an agoraphobic, cedephobic, social phobic person; is it passion anymore, really, if you've almost become afraid of not 'respectably' pursuing it? Perhaps I could explain it all with this English project; we have to make an advertisement for a book we're supposed to write. We don't have to write the entire thing; more or less, just the first and last page, as well as make a cover and back cover, and write a paper on it comparing it to another book we chose to write (my book's 1984 by George Orwell). I am having the worst time doing it! And I want to be an author when I grow up! Excuse my french, but; what the HELL is this? Let me get this straight; I don't want to do what I apparently love to do? I confuse myself sometimes.
   I also really don't know what to do about this whole 'living inside my head' thing. Really, cookies, it's true; day in and day out, I think to myself, "Wow, I'm going to go home and write a blog post on this!" I never do. I sit down and just think, "Screw it." and close the laptop. There's so much I think about, honestly, yet none of it ever seems to get itself onto this webpage. Let alone, into the ears of anybody at all. There are just certain people I wish I could talk to; I knew I could in the past if I needed to, and I knew they'd get it perfectly. One of those people is my old best friend. But, as you know, my friends and readers, that ship has long, long sailed, I'm unfathomably sorry to say. I just think I need to seriously organize my life; it's life a messy desk; once used to accomplish and live through and create with, now cluttered and not worth using unless I do some serious cleaning.

Who knows, cookies. Who honestly knows.

Potter-splosion!

2009-03-28T10:42:00.002-04:00

Oh my.
It's really been quite a week packed to the brink with things to do. That's why you haven't seen me or any of my rediculous comments and posts for about a week, so, that clears that up. I quit softball; it was seriously affecting my grades, and tiring me so much! I was honestly relying on a large cup of mommy-made coffee in the morning to hold me up (I love my mommy, yesh, yesh I do) as well as a sneaked cup of tea at lunch (for some strange reason we're not allowed to have tea or coffee at school. ridiculous, honestly.), and apples. So now hopefully I'll have a tad more time to blog and such, as well as get homework done and stay afloat. As you might not know, I organized a book drive for The Harry Potter Alliance (google that shiz; it's made of awesome.), to benefit the Rwandan Genocide victims in Africa. The total of books donated from the drive ended up at 375 books. That. Is. Outstanding. I'm so happy that we could together make a difference, perhaps small, but still amazing. 271 of the books went to Africa. 105 went to local charities, such as the hospital's pediatric cancer center. This drive was part of a nation-wide event called Accio! Books, which started the first of March and ends on the 31st. Woot! While counting and packing all the books last night, I saw all these children's books that sparked memories I completely forgot about! I somewhat ceased to remember the small but equally important memories concerning the books. I remembered my first grade teacher reading Amelia Bedelia to my class, while always exaggerating Amelia's quotes. I rememeber sitting in our playground's treehouse at recess, reading about Amelia and her rediculous adventures, and finishing the entire series in just three recesses. And, of course, I remember sitting next to my first grade teacher wile doing all of this. It's just...strange how some material things can hold non-material memories, that are merely tucked away not on the back burner, but inside the stove itself; baking, marinating, and waiting to be taken out at a later date.
I reaaallyy have been hosting a bad case of nostalgia for the past week and a half!
Anyway, I have a new favorite on TV! My boys. It's on TBS (I'm not sure if they show it in Britain or not...), and it is hilarious! I love lighthearted shows like My Boys, and definitely recommend it to any American people (or anybody who gets TBS. You can find it online, too!) who minimally watch TV and/or like light and not heavy storylines, packed with amazing dialogue and humor! The story is centered around PJ Franklin, an aspiring sports (mainly baseball, lover of the cubs) journalist, who has an extremely close group of guy friends (hence the title My Boys) named (from left to right) Mike, Bobby, Brendan 'Brando', Andy her brother (Ahh Jim Gaffigan!), and Kenny. She is trying to find love, and somehow they always get in the way. So are they. It's just a really funny show. High recommendations from Christina!

Psht

2009-03-22T12:22:00.004-04:00

I'm in one of those 'whatever' moods. Indifference, laziness, uncaring...whatever you'd like to stickynote it. I think there might be something wrong with my sleeping, sleeping patterns, or whatever else. I am always tired. I think the last time I was ever not tired was in fifth grade...and I'm in eighth? Something is wrong, here! But at least besides the occasional restless night, I can still return to that sometimes dark and mostly scary (unknown is scary, in my mind. am I a coward?) place where I call 'the sleeping cell'. I coined the name a whiiiiiiile back when my brother was watching CSI, and the criminal referred to sleeping in his cell. As one can imagine, it was a dark, scary, and relatively wet place.

Thank god for insulation.

crafty!

I'm feeling quite crafty, lately! I'm into making earrings, specifically, and more cute and tiny worthless objects as well. I've noticed about myself that I enjoy the little things in life more than most, and I don't enjoy the larger agendas, like most do. Sometimes its frightening how in most ways I am the complete opposite of the normal person. I am honestly a mental puree of disregard. Anyways, moving on to the crafts, once again! I made these earrings out of sculpey, fishing wire, and beads I had at home. Extremely proud, I am!

I'll admit the earring is a bit hard to see; but to those who are having trouble, it's an owl sitting on a crescent moon. I love them! Owls are my favorite animals, besides the raven and snake. I'd also like to make this adorable Christmas ornament, while can also be made into a keychain;

You must admit, that is adorable! There's something about socks that is just...extremely cute to me. I don't know why, though.

BBBBBB

2009-03-21T13:25:00.007-04:00

Bold text, brownies, broadway, brainstorming, baklava, bat-bogey hexes (HP fans of the world, that one was frour youzz.), bowling, BLOGGING, Brand New, Bob Dylan, bare attitudes,
BOOKS.
Books are blatantly and expectedly the best thing that ever happened to me or the world, honestly. Friends and family, and blogger cookies that know me in the least would know that they're my thing. Besides Hannah, I am the only person I know of that relies so heavily on books and what they have to offer, even if one can surely say they have their cracks and crevices. Put it this way; every single nickname I have except for two originated from my love of books, and constant attachment I hold so dearly with them. If I hadn't had an interest in books, I wouldn't be holding a book drive to benefit genocide victims in Africa. I wouldn't have been graced with the lessons that come so slowly to most, and so quickly to those who throw themselves at their thorns and sharp edges. Without books, I wouldn't be me. An unmistakably large number of people in this world rely on these small but impacting objects; perhaps for closure, help, an excuse, or the simple plea to leave the world and thing of something or somewhere else for a while. Pop-culture phenomenons, such as Harry Potter, Lord Of The Rings, Twilight (I type this with a groan), and Series of Unfortunate Events have changed the world, quite frankly! But most importantly, they have changed the people in it. So, in essence, what I so desperately ask of you and the world is, pick up a book! Because, my wondrous cookies, perhaps if you do, you may end up somewhere entirely different then you thought.

She's alive! (And exhausted.)

2009-03-21T13:14:00.003-04:00

COOKIES!

It has been a long time; a long time it has been! Precisely a week, and I haven't found a single second to write a post; my blog has turned to dry toast! I must butter it. And yes, that was a very strange metaphor indeed. I started softball; first time ever, so I have been at practice everyday except the weekend, for two hours. Then I come home, and do homework. I don't know if I have to quit or not; my grades are suffering. And we ALL know that grades come first. So, that's a problem all to it's own!

We now continue with the programming of How Strange;.

What death wants

2009-03-14T19:29:00.003-04:00

Death; the question that forever will have no answer, or emotion of any sort to describe. Death seems to be when the ultimate door closes, never to let you out again, but still welcomes you to a new, and unknown place of quiet enchantment. It is in one's last moments when epiphany strikes, conclusion ends, or farewells take place. Some die alone; some die with family, friends, a doctor, or anything else beside them, enjoying last moments of life on earth, and the first few of true loneliness without choice. I would like, more love to think there is an afterlife; yet, seeing that I cannot name myself an adventurous soul, have trouble believing there is one. I, for some reason, have issues imagining a place where I could revisit my past and present, because there would be no future. Death is eternal, leaving no visible room for future.

On thursday, I traveled to Atlantic City with my aunt and grandmother, and stopped at my Great Uncle's house to visit him. His wife, Rosemary, died two weeks ago. The memorial service was the saturday before, and since my insides have been squirming and twitching inside me, because I realized something; does death weigh a larger toll on those who didn't experience it, or those who did?

The luncheon took place afterword, with friends and family of Rosemary. I sat with my mother, great uncle (Rosemary's brother in law, not her husband), grandmother, and great aunt at a table. I looked around; there was love, much of it. Love that was born from sadness, the ashes of doubt, and love that conquered it as well. How strange it was to walk into this man's house, two weeks after the death, one week after the memorial service, and feel nothing but normality. We sat down. I nibbled my sandwich, hearing a newscaster speaking of pointless chatter about Bernard Madoff, the stocks, and Barack Obama's latest speech. John (the husband of Rosemary, my great uncle) finally said, "And it was special, that place. Felicia (his daughter, my second cousin) reserved that place for me, I didn't know she rented there. It was special, because I felt her {Rosemary} celebrating with us, because that's where me and her ate Christmas Eve dinner every year for what seems like an eternity."

He broke down, and cried. I couldn't do anything, feel, hear anything. It finally hit me that death affects the past, present, and future, and can mutilate emotion faster than anything else, seemingly. Even though I didn't know Rosemary very well, and even though I had only seen her on holidays my whole life, I just knew death had created love that exceeded everything and anything for that moment. Tears, mixed of love and loneliness had trumped time, color, anything one could see or feel. I have never seen or felt anything like that before, and it has continuously been itching me for days.

A

2009-03-10T16:03:00.004-04:00

Awful Sitcoms, ABC Family, Apples, Anagrams, Anachronisms, Anthropologie, Ace Enders, Alfredo Pasta, Across the Universe, Avenue Q.

awful sitcoms

I always liked this show, honestly. "What I Like About You" is one of those shows that never really made it, but still made time on TBS and other nonchalant channels for a few seasons. It has the quality of picture that let's you know that it's a turn of the millennium sitcom; the best kind! It's kind hard to explain, but if you understand what I'm talking about, then hat's off to you! I always thought that there was so much in this world that wasn't given a chance. These shows are a prime example! Nobody ever really gave them a chance; this is why I'm sitting here, watching reruns of What I Like About You, wondering when I'm going to start my English project and start reading 1984 (my required English book). They are entertaining; what can I say?

I'm actually feeling bad; I haven't really written (except for a few poems) in quote some time, and I just haven't been feeling motivated to write fiction in so...long. I keep finding myself in front of the TV, and not in front of the typewriter. I'm even kinda slipping away from books a bit...it's strange. I go in phases; bookworm, then not so much. I wish I was bookworm all the time; I've been forcing myself lately to read, and I can assure you, my cookies, that I DON'T want to start 1984 by George Orwell. I have until the end of the month...but still. I know I should start it, as well as my English project. And to start that, I have to read 1984. I've never felt so great about Sci-Fi, although I am a total NERD about Harry Potter, which falls under the 'fantasy' category.

2009-03-10T14:35:00.003-04:00

I've decided to start a whole new type of blogging for a while.

ALPHABET BLOGGING.

Here's how it works;

Every blog post will be titled a letter, starting with A and moving up. I'll mention all the things (or some) I like beginning with the letter of the post. I'll work through the whole alphabet, so I can always have something to write about, while my internet/blog friends can get to know more about ChristinaCeleste.

Get it? Got it? GOOD!

woohoo!

2009-03-06T16:50:00.001-05:00

Well,

sweet cookies,

the blogger transformation is complete!

Hope you like it.

Bigger and better things coming soon, post wise!

Change on the Blogizon

2009-03-04T22:05:00.000-05:00

I think it might be time, my cookies.

We may be ready for a new blog layout + fixings + title, so, if you have any ideas for a blog title,

comment with the title!

thank you!

Numbers really rule the world!

2009-03-02T17:59:00.001-05:00

So I'm on the big FaceBook today, reading the little tag Nicole wrote about me. Her question basically asked, "Would you go to another school with permission?"

This got me thinking why I wanted to leave so bad in the first place.

It's really all a question of acceptance. I wonder why I crave it, although I know exactly how I could retrieve it; by changing myself. I refuse, however, so I'm not accepted. It's very frustrating; but I hardly care anymore, honestly. Life is just a ticking clock; it'll be over and forgotten before I can get too too worked up about it.

Then, sparks flew and I wondered again why exactly the age frustrates me; I finally realized it's not exactly what goes on that angers me. It's what doesn't. I hate being so young, that I'm not taken seriously by anyone. I hate having to be compared with the world by number, age, status quo. And most of all, I hate the ignorance that laces the boot of what helps the world walk with covered feet. Maybe, just maybe, the world should just take the shoes off, and feel the untamed grass it should, if grass grew in stalks of uniqueness, of course. When people hear my age, they gasp. When a person younger than 17 gets a book published, or does something wonderful, it annoys me when the telecaster says, "And they're only ***!"

Annoying, it is, but it just so happens to be life. I wrote a poem about imperfection, after getting pretty riled up over a conversation I had with somebody today. I basically extracted from the entire situation that most people are honestly just noodles! They're flop and tear at the world's discretion! Who knew the growing issue with lack of spine in the world, perhaps they should start making artificials of those too!

Silence might be golden,

it’s coat dripping as it leaves.

Metallic rain drops,

mopped up, scoured down.

Leave it, leave the stain!

Imperfection, fresh and clean

clean dirt,

clean and foul,

foul for those who are afraid!

Smell the sweet and fragrant mistake,

that flows through us,

flows through those afraid of the puddle!

The puddle of gold,

silent gold,

I bathe in thee for eternity.

The many stages of eating a cupcake

2009-03-02T16:52:00.000-05:00

It's a tough job.

Frustration

2009-02-27T22:21:00.000-05:00

I am so unbelievably frustrated with so very much right now. School's been rough; socially, everythingly. And no, I am aware that everythingly is NOT a word. But I've got some nice Edvard Grieg; I swear, its classy auditory pot. In the sense that it just calms me down, and puts me in a usually melancholy mood. I'm starting to get scared I'm walking myself right back into the ditch I left five months ago. No, no! This, this will never happen!

(hopefully)

So, my beautifully epic cookies, let's touch bases, and review the main topics of my life:

books

I'm reading The Grim Grotto, by Lemony Snicket/Daniel Handler. TRUST me, this is not me consecutively reading each book in the series; I've been alternating in and out of it. I mean, it's thirteen volumes! Wiggle space needed, thank you :D

all things social

Terrible. Just...terrible. I've finally accepted that over all I fit in with NOBODY at my school. Not even my friends. It makes me really sad; being unique to the point of sheer oddity is seriously a rough and uncontrollable job. It seems that no matter what I say, that only sound in reply from anybody is that of a snicker. Hurtful, more than anything else it is. But because of my introverted attitude, I'm not feeling as bad about it as a probably should.

I'm also starting to get all weird about my old best friend again, though I don't know why. I can't even sit in the same row at an assembly if they're sitting together without cringing or slumping in my seat. After talking to Alex, he noted that I never show my emotions toward people in the sense that I never act rude to anybody, or exhibit dislike for somebody upfront and brazenly. I took it as a compliment.

I remember sitting in the playroom of my daycare at Pre-K, too young to be considered little and too little to be considered worthy of play. I wouldn't ever say a thing to anybody, even if they hurt my feelings by excluding me. I don't like to be rude; yet sticking up for myself always seemed to slip under the category of 'rude' in my mind. My mother would tell me, "But why don't you tell them their hurt your feelings?" And to this day, the reply is always, "Because I don't want to hurt their feelings by making them feel bad because I told them I was upset with them. Everybody wins, mom." And her response to this day is the mutter of, "Lord have mercy. She's compassionately naive." I need to grow a spine, is the moral of this blast from the past. Yet I feel anything but comfortable doing so.

grades

Great! Three A's, a B-, and a 79 in science. Perhaps loneliness and lack of social life has a good sign! And anyway, I'm going to be getting a LOT of writing done this weekend. YES! Christina time!

music

One word;

yes.

"Is that a...a...SQUIRMING FINGER I SEE?"

2009-02-25T21:25:00.001-05:00

Yes. It is the squirming finger of ChristinaCeleste, eager to type a nice, juicy post. But alas, she cannot; she must study for English, Science, and Math; but I, her other blogger side must send you all her love and this message which she managed to wheeze out of her lungs, from exhaustion;

My dearest cookies,

I am but ashamed. Another week has passed, and I have senselessly forgotten to post on this lovely blog. However, I am simultaneously being eaten by carnivorous textbooks, and must not carry on. Anyway, I would just like to say that I am so very heartily sorry for being a ditcher for the week, and I promise you a good post about many interesting and non-interesting topics (these topics that lack interesting qualities fall under the 'school' category.) SOON!

With All Due Respect,

CelesteChristina

"Some days aren't yours at all."

2009-02-17T20:50:00.000-05:00

-Regina Spektor.

She's a woman I really admire. She doesn't change herself for publicity, doesn't pull obstreperous and unneeded stunts, and isn't being charged with DUI and whatnot every two weeks. Regina is a classy woman; exactly what this area of pop culture needs.

Tomorrow is the first day back to school; I am so happy I had this break; I needed it, big time. I want to cover two topics, though;

FEAR

"To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom."

-Bertrand Russell

For the longest time, I have noticed the world is filled with so much fear. Fear of everything; failure, being alone, everything not working out in a general sense. Myself, a former (and fighting) sufferer of Panic & Anxiety disorder, am starting to really understand the idea of fear. Fear is indirectly a desire for perfection. One fears for certain goals, perhaps life itself because they want it to continue, or get better. Let me further explain it simply; We are afraid of the possible, because it might interrupt the wanted/desired.

COMMUNITY

Have you ever noticed how tied and knotted together we all are as humans? We wave, we greet, we hug each other day in and day out; how close we are, yet so far away we seem. I was talking to a boy that goes to my school; I thought, "Bless his heart, but, I don't think he'll ever understand adversity in life." Two weeks passed. He then told me about how he had been seeing a therapist for two year, and all of the adversity he had faced in his life. It was mind boggling; what really does lie behind the window the world seems to put up in front of their real selves? What is behind the same window that the world seems to obligated to build, buff, and shine with politeness? It all tracks back to fear; are we dragging ourselves from the truth, scared of what it all might trigger? How different life might be, if we really just accepted each other. I wonder what it would be like, living in a world where I could look another in the eyes and say, "I understand."

I've also noticed how so many rely on each other for happiness or solace in general. We are so dependent on each other to live life. I cannot truly say I've seen a single person take themselves out to a public area (such as a restaurant). It's always, "Plans?" as the facebook status, or "text me/call me" as the away message. Why can't we just rely on ourselves to be happy? Is it a modernized primal instinct, gone technologically crazy? The introverted people (such as myself. however, my introverted attitude is so bad it is somewhat unhealthy. really.) are the freaks, the losers, the ones who will never succeed. Others act as if they're not good enough for the company of friends; they don't deserve it. Maybe this is why I really just don't like the kids of my age, or the age in general. It seems to have gotten to the point where your weird if you don't rely on other people for happiness. I think our community (magnified) is unhealthy itself.

Tag! I'm indirectly it.

2009-02-15T22:24:00.000-05:00

1. What is your Name? Christina.

2. A four letter word? Crap.

3. A boys name? Casey.

4. A girls name? Catarina!

5. An occupation? Cryptographer!

6. A colour? Crimson.

7. Something you wear? Cardigan.

8. A food? CAKE.

9. Something found in the bathroom? Crunch - Free Gel? Give me a break!

10. A place? Calgary!

11. A reason for being late? Creating a diversion to buy your birthday present (apparently I'm coming to your birthday, and forgot a present.)

12. Something you shout? CREMATED CABBAGES!

13. A movie title? Chamber of Secrets. (Bahahahahaha!)

14. Something you drink? Champagne...?

15. A musical group? CLAUDE DEBUSSY! (Favorite. He's my boyfriend, amongst many other fictional book characters.)

16. An animal? Cat. How creative!

17. A street name? No idea.

18. A type of car? Cadillac.

19. Something scary? Corpses?

20. Ice cream flavour? CHOCOLATE!

Tag,

Nicole and Tabitha are it!

Love, love, love...

2009-02-13T21:31:00.000-05:00

It's a wondrous day!
The kitties are back, looking a little shabby, but healthy and good all the same!
Mum and I went to an assortment of drugstores to buy the essentials; discount valentines day assortment boxes (we are as cool as you think we are), facial scrub (I got the St. Ives Apricot Blackhead/Acne scrub. Has anybody tried it/liked it?), hair product (Aussie Catch The Wave mousse...never tried it before.), and discount movies. Woo! I'm set to snuggle, with hopefully nice hair? Whatever. Since when have I cared about my hair. . .not too long ago! When I was young, I really enjoyed valentines day. I really did, because it made me so happy to watch the world stop for a day, and do something nice for the person they love. But since that amazingly innocent time of my life, or basic era of living, Valentine's Day has become a media franchise revolving around the idea that more money = more love/care for another. It's upsetting, really, because the world is getting more and more materialistic as it is. As a race, we really don't need an entire 24 hours of allowance to let this materialistic way of dreaming engulf us and our receding economy. Do people realize the CEOs of Kay Jewelers are laughing at us? No, not every kiss begins with Kay. Believe it or not, young and marriage-hopeful women of 2009, you CAN love somebody without having to show off a new asset of illusion wealth to all who "care" so much. The world is expecting so much more from love; are we simply falling for media frenzy and clever advertising, or are we letting this happen? Are we happy we have something (this thing being clever advertising) to point and waggle the finger of shame at, while we secretly understand exactly what's happening?
Are we blaming our greed on advertisement, but more simply plain opportunity?

gunk, junk, christina's bunked.

2009-02-12T11:50:00.000-05:00

Sick day.

A girl in my math class got me sick, I think. I went to my math teacher with this girl for help, and she insisted I sat next to her (my teacher, I mean), so she could alternate between us. She had laryngitis, which means I'm most likely on my way! That's alright, though. I haven't been sick since last year (I know, lucky, huh?), so its not so bad. But I am beached on the couch for a while, watching strange and random shows like Stolen Youth (I know, a show about kidnapped children. Not at all creepy!) and Cash Cab. It's fun, but a little boring. I haven't had a true sick day with no obligation for a while. President's weekend has started a day early for me + any other sick person infected by the girl I was! I just sleep and watch TV, read and sleep some more, and watch more TV.

I'm worried too. My two cats (Lily and Paul. I know, Paul is a stupid name. But I love it!) are in surgery today. Pauly is getting a cyst taken off his shoulder and is getting de-clawed (I scowl. But me parents said they have to.) and Lily is getting just de-clawed. Plus they're getting their teeth cleaned, so they'll have nice and pearly whites when they come home. Two days without my babies is just rough though, especially on a sick day! Sick days are for cuddling. Without cats to cuddle with, the entire day is a slight fail.

Nap time! See you cookies later!

have you ever noticed

2009-02-09T20:16:00.000-05:00

that food is the BEST THING ever invented? Props to whoever came up with that idea, because me thinks H20 + anything tastily edible is the BOMB. I could never be anorexic - I would miss the other part of my SOUL (haha. just kidding!) too much! I'm fine I guess; I just started my new book (Title + name is a secret!), which is great! However, writing another book while being in school is frustratingly difficult, so I've somewhat put it off at the same time.

My brother vistited us from university for the weekend, which was nice! We went to Ruby Tuesday (aka HEAVEN) and ate too much food, thus making us balloons for sleeping. I swear, cookies, I was going to float into the night any second.

I've been having some strange dreams, too; either really violent, or just...weird. With cryptic and creepy dialogues, and situations you'd really only see out of a book! Like, I'll watch another being murdered, but instead of blood spilling from the victims, it is words and pictures, with some videos of memories. Or, I'll be in a waiting room, unsure of what I'm waiting for. And I'll ask the receptionist, and she will only respond with one answer; this is usually a strange and out out of context response. She never looks at me either. I'm really not sure what these strange and obscurely familiar dreams mean, but I'd really like them to stop, pronto.

I'm so nervous. I'm getting confirmed tomorrow, and am SHAKING in my booties because of it. I just really really hope I don't get picked on to answer a question, or trip, or whatnot. I just want it to be over with, really. I'll write more after the ceremony tomorrow; see you cookies soon, and wish me luck!

peace out cub scout.

2009-02-05T19:08:00.000-05:00

Bleh. I'm not in the mood for doing anything, and yes, that does include studying! School's been fine, I guess, but I just can't shake that naggin' feeling that I'm suddenly going to drop the ball and fail. But I shan't! I've got the winter blues, so I must shake the blue out of me, and replace it with...normal color! In Christina language that means albino whiteness! I'll snap out of it.

I just wanted to check in and say I'm fine, and that tomorrow I'll write a nice big post. I've been feeling under the weather (but not sick...it's strange.) lately, so my imagination stamina has been low. I'm just not liking ANYTHING we're studying in ANY of the subjects right now, so that may pertain to it. Who knows; all that's fact is that I need to KEEP DOING WHATEVER I'M DOING, and bring my grades the hell up! Even though my grades are doing really well, I'd like to smack them up a few points; whatever, haha! I'm just getting irritated with people too...they can be so argumentative! And also I'm book-deprived. I ordered Still Alice by Lisa Genova. Something tells me I'm going to love it; its about Alzheimer's disease, and the life of one who is suffering. I got it from B&N for 8.00, so that's a steal! It should be here soon, but its really just a question of not being able to have time to really read either; I just feel too cluttered and busy. And my parents are being difficult about the yoga thing; its frustrating when you want + NEED to get out of the house, but others won't lend you the measly 60$ (for TWO MONTHS) to do so. Poo burgers. I'll work it out, haha! Enough of my pessimism! What's up with everyone else?

veggin'!

2009-02-01T12:16:00.000-05:00

Yawn.

Weekends are great.

This weekend has been really great, except for some minor setbacks! On Friday, Lydia and Anastasia came home with me, and slept over. We also thoroughly cleaned my room...they insisted! Can you believe I hadn't went through my room since SECOND grade? And I'm in eighth! I know! Three bags of Goodwill clothes emerged out of the war (Room vs. Man.), as well as six garbage bags of just...random crap that need not live in my room! It was fun; we watched Legally Blonde and 13 Going On 30 on my laptop while we cleaned. The next morning we went to this HUGE mall near Philadelphia and shopped. I had birthday, Christmas, and carious other bills with me; almost 500 I had with me! But I only spent a small amount of it; I'm big on sales, so, I got a LOT for a LITTLE amount. Since I threw out so many clothes, I am now in the restoration period :D So, yes, that was really really fun. Perhaps if I feel inspired one day, I'll post pictures of what I bought. But, alas, let's not go too far with what I am capable of!

But last night, after the two went home, I started feeling weird. It was mostly gastro-intestinal, and so I felt really bad until my mom gave me some medication to help fix the problem. But now I'm fit as a...fiddle! A not gastro-intestinally broken fiddle, indeed! So I'm fine now, but resting at home for the day because I'm still feeling a little funky/weird. I'm not going to go into details; I want you to keep your lunch/dinner!

Tomorrow I have my confirmation "retreat". Basically, we go to a Christian er...place for the day? Apparently we'll do activities and such, but, my expectations aren't too high in the sense that I understand its not a social event. Nobody talks to me anyway; I have a feeling Harry Potter (I'm reading the last one. I call myself a die-hard, and I WIKIPEDIA'D it until now! I didn't want to accept that the books were over...) will be keeping me company. I did my homework; so when I come home, I can relax/do makeup work.

Does anybody have a book recommendation? I'm almost done with Harry, so, I'm going to need something soon to munch off of next...thanks!

2009-01-28T15:04:00.000-05:00

Crimity. About that last post/LiveJournal? I felt like I was going in circles trying to customize my layout! Nevermind!

...I felt like a cheater anyway.

2009-01-28T14:11:00.000-05:00

I can't decide...

should I cheat on Blogger with Livejournal?

But I promise, I'd still update as usual,

and no less!

Gah, screw it.

I'm gonna get one.

2009-01-27T19:20:00.000-05:00

Today was fine, I suppose. I'm starting to scare myself, though; it seems as though so much more permeates my head, gets under my skin, yet so much less does at the same time. I think the type of thoughts in my head are changing before my very eyes. This is a good thing, I think? Who knows. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but; who the hell cares?

School has been rough around the edges. I just feel strange; like a triangular puzzle piece trying to fit in a circular opening. I don't feel right there; and I can't understand why. I don't try to be in that "in" crowd (so don't think I mean it that way! I'd never!), but I just feel like the gallery of student picture doesn't have metaphorical space for my portrait; nor does it really want to...

That made no sense at all.

I feel safer than ever home, writing and watching the world go by in flakes of seconds. I got an amazing comment sheet and report card; I worked hard, and so I got what I wanted. I guess it really does work...trying and failing, yet standing up and trying again and again until one feels the smile stretching their skin. I need to go to Barnes and Noble; I'm due for a book shopping spree. However, I may renew my local library card and just start going there instead to save money; I need clothes like no other, I haven't gone serious shopping since the beginning of seventh grade. That's almost two years. I might go to a really large mall with Lydia and Anastasia this weekend; I feel comfortable only around them, really. Its just us, for the most part; traveling through 8th grade semi-uncomfortably as an...uncomfortable team haha! We all dislike the school, and use each other as tools to stay sane in a troubling world. We laugh, we cry, we throw food at each other during our periods, and most of all, we learn from each other some of the most important lessons in life.

You know what I've also come to realize? I'd be much better off in the late 1800's; yes, no Harry Potter and many other things, but perhaps if I could suck the morals and beauty from that time into this time, I would enjoy being 13 again. I just want to turn 15; then I can get a job, and be exposed to all the people I please. I love to watch people; they're so intriguing.

Today, I was in health class. Of course those stupid boys (you know..the ones that hit each other and laugh. That type.) were making HIV and AIDS jokes (very mature. not.) and of COURSE as many sex jokes as possible, when our student teacher asked how we felt about the human body. I felt something click and tap inside my core; so, I raised my hand. She called on me; so I responded with the utmost seriousness, "I believe the human body is beautiful." And, of course, the boys broke out in hysterical laughter, calling me a pervert and a sex addict (yes...because I just come off as BOTH of those thing! exactly, buttheads, you hit it right on the head!) And then I thought about it; the human body really is beautiful. It's equipped with the highest quality bacteria defense, it keeps us running smoothly and happily (most of the time..)

What do you think about it?

ouch!

2009-01-24T12:34:00.000-05:00

Oh, that time of the month is awful.

But I've got BLOGGER and COMEDY CENTRAL to make it better!

So, another week ends. I'm so happy; two days to just relax and pretend I have no obligations for two days! School has been a little stressful; for once not because of the work, but the people. My ex-best friend (is it ringing a bell?) has now come back; just like I said, she wants to be friends again after she ditched me and hurt me bad. Yeah, sure, that's going to happen. Now she's being extensively rude to my new friends, and I just don't want to deal with it. If there really is anything I could say to her, it would be "Be careful what you wish for." Because really, I'm just not going to have this. Don't disrespect me or my friends; not because I'll 'get crazy and blah blah blah', because its a sign of immaturity. And I DON'T dig immaturity.

So, I guess I need to shrug it off, because I refuse to take part in low-class ways of expressing anger (aka DRAMA), so I just need to bite the bullet.

I really guess that its just a part of growing up.

"That was a strange noise."

2009-01-21T15:33:00.000-05:00

...said my friend upon hearing the sounds of an angry Christina growling.

So, back to school (even though we returned yesterday...)! Today was actually pretty boring; I got a 96 on my English, which is GREAT. I also think I did well on my science quiz. Yes, I had ANOTHER one TODAY after the BOMBSHELL that was last week. But it was cute and short, which was the biggest relief ever. I didn't even study; yet I still could answer everything and be certain I did well, so, hopefully I'm right! Haha, whatever. I just need to keep my grades rockin' and I'll be good. Honor roll's my goal; and I think I just might do it! I'm just a little bit tired, that's all; I didn't sleep well last night, don't you hate those night when you just lay there awake? I ended up falling asleep at roughly 12:50, which was NOT good for the morning!

I may start doing Yoga, too; it takes off stress, will replace the exercise time (I quit pairs skating...eight years is ENOUGH! I also was dropped, and broke my tailbone and hurt my back. It ruined my knees too.) that I would have been using for skating, and will definitely work better with my school schedule. See, I told you that 2009 would be different!

I do indeed have a pulse!

2009-01-17T14:13:00.000-05:00

Let's skip the explanation, because all who have a brain should know;

schoolschoolschool!

sorrysorrysorry!

Now, onward with the post.

This week has POSITIVELY been most likely the worst! This is what I had this week, it was INSANE; Monday, English test + vocab quiz. Tuesday? Science test AND science quiz (I stupidly scheduled the 'optional' test on the same day as another quiz! Eeek! Wednesday, Social studies test and Latin quiz. Thursday, Latin TEST and Social Studies essay question (this took a WHOLE period; the test was in two parts!). And to top off the LOVELY week, we had a nice big algebra test on Friday! Absolutely RIDICULOUS! I mean honestly, that was freakin' MEAN. And may I add, this was for no apparent reason. Surely they could have found a way to push back some of those exams, somehow. But, whatever, I still managed to get B+'s and a few A's which is GREAT! I honestly thought I was going to melt and bomb everything that was going to be on weds. thurs. and Friday! But, luckily, I sit here content and zitty

(stress is my skin's worst enemy :(), armed with the will to do absolutely nothing for the next three days.

Whatever!

So Friday I went to a movie with my two best friends, and Red Robin (for those who don't live in the US, it is aka THE BEST BURGER CHAIN EVEREVEREVER.), and then proceeded to sleep at Lydia's house, and stay up until 6:00 A.M. It was fun! So, anyway, since it has been two years since we got our phones, I got myself a 23.00 piece of...

GORGEOUSNESS.

Its the LG Voyager, and it is wondrous. We got it so cheap because it was 80.00, with coupons and a automatic 50$ off from Verizon for signing up again. Then again, I am pretty easily impressed with technology; all my old stuff has been replaced in the last few months (hence the laptop, iPod, and now phone!), so I am set for 2+ years. I've decided now that I am going to write a post once a day; each will be short, so, I won't be writing a book every post as usual. I always feel guilty when I see the "Blogger!" link in my favorites bar on Safari, when I know I haven't updated in 3 or more days. Put it this was; studying the whole week before this post, I was tortured sick by this link! So, yes; it is settled. More posts, less length. It will be as beautiful as blogger itself.

(Minus the really, really unattractive tech problems once in a while.)

Have a great MLK day!

2009-01-11T12:04:00.000-05:00

Oh, Sundays. The busiest day of the week, yet all the same the least productive. I went to a party for my friend Devon today; and I must say, it really was dry toasties. Its unbelievable how my classmates really don't know how to have a good time without doing stupid crap. This crap could rang from throwing food, to getting high off the helium in the balloons. It was really, really sad. I thought it was so wonderful that his mother was willing to rent a place and put all this effort into a party that these kids trashed completely; I just don't understand why these kids can't just strike up a conversation, and talk. Talk about things other than the latest gossip, and the newest couples, and so on. Its just getting old.

I remained with my friends Tori, Casey, and Emma in the corner, just joking around and laughing and talking about anything and everything. It never gets old. We talked about the Gaza Strip issue for a bit, and then talked about our favorite books and why we love them. And I have to say; I had a really good time just doing that!

(And of course, we pigged out on the real food and dessert :D)

Now I'm here and completing my homework. I really love learning, you know? I feel like there are so many doors that I have yet to open, and so little time to do so. Like my friend Hannah said; I want to learn outside school, on my own, about anything and everything! I just think its such an awesome thing that I can pick up a book and find out about anything I want. It's all at my fingertips.

But alas, my lovely cookies, I must be off. Homework to complete, tests to study for, and sleep to er...accomplish!

2009-01-07T14:36:00.000-05:00

I am an avid various YouTube channel watcher.

BUT;

as some may or may not know (pleased don't kill me, please don't kill me!),

I am NOT a fan of twilight. I actually hate it...

NO! PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN, COOKIES!

But I have to say, whether you like twilight or not, this is HILARIOUS and by one of my favorite youtube channels;

Running on empty.

2009-01-05T19:57:00.000-05:00

I am seriously about to fall over. Who knew that school would pick the rifle right back up again, cock it, and shoot? Not me! Yes, school is just like always, and I am definetely feeling the heat! And too bad I can't get out of the metaphorical kitchen...it seems I'm trapped inside of it! And we all know that it takes time to pick locks, such as the one on the non-existant door, so I may as well stay in the kitchen and attempt to cook that meal that is my grade point average.

I was really really upset today on the bus. I have a friend in school, a sixth grader named Joe. He's really a sweet kid, never bullies, etc etc. And today, the kids made him cry. It was unbelievable; I have never seen kids as ruthless as the ones in the lower grade (6th). But then I think about how it was when I was there. And it is seriously scary. Its scary that looking down from another stage in growing up, that these kids are stuck in it all for three more years. For me to complain about the people, the stress, and to see these kids and know that it has only just begun for them. To see their tears, and know that they are few of many that will be caused by another person! Its hard to believe that I've surpassed it pretty well, and that I sit here blogging about it from another perspective.

But then, I look at myself, pictures, diary posts, abandoned 6th grade blog posts (COMPLETELY different username.) and I think to myself how its almost like I've unzipped myself, stepped out, walked to the unzipped carcass hanging at the end of the school hall, stepped inside, and zippered it up. And here I am. Watching the beautifully horrific process occur in front of my eyes. And now I understand; this is life at its prime. This is what you think of on your death bed, when your child gets off the bus in tears; what you think whilst you lie in bed, wondering exactly how you came to be there. You wonder how things came to be; a natural self asked question among us. This is the change we are intrigued by most; some respond with laughter, sadness, silence, what have you? We walk along the road of life, looking at the machine that started it all; the clock. And sometimes, its overwhelming to accept what's looking back at us.

2009-01-01T22:34:00.000-05:00

Welcome to 2009, my cookies.

It's a new day; a new year. Let us begin the first un-holiday related post of 2009!

So I went onto my school's website, to see if my teachers had updated anything (because OMG, we're almost back in school!) on their pages. I click on my science teacher's, and what do I find? A note; our midterm is now OPTIONAL! I almost died. That took, oh, say, thirty thousands pounds of stress off! I feel so light! Haha, but I do still plan to attempt it. I'll study as if its required, and if I don't feel ready the day before, I'll not do it. Simple and effective. But thank the LORD it isn't looming above me like a guillotine anymore.

But of course, with all smiley-face type news, there's usually frowny face affairs as well. I missed the application date for my boarding school, so I have to stay in PA for another year. Basically, I'm leaving for boarding school for soph-senior year, and I'm staying either at my current school or just popping into public school. I don't really mind, though; I was actually thinking that I might be too young to leave home, and that sophomore year really would be better.

I'm also thinking of changing my blog YET AGAIN, because I found another picture for the top and am thinking that "I write, you write, we all write." is kind of lame. However, these types of topics don't matter haha.

I saw an article on Yahoo! today, about a man who shed 430 pounds. As in, two football player's weight, or three young/pre-teen girls. (107.5) Everyone else who saw this article that I know called it sad. They called the article and the man pathetic because he let himself become so heavy that he could even lose 430 pounds. Yes, this was most obviously wrong of him, but should nobody recognize that he lost 430 of those 600-something pounds? The world has become so cynical; nothing is a question of 'how did you?'. Everything is now the inquiry of 'why didn't you initially?'. The expectation of the media, the people, the governments, the teachers, the parents, the everything; its just getting so high and mighty. There is no room for mistakes, miscalculations, nothing at all. It makes me sad, though; without mistake, there is no room to learn. Maybe this is why the world is getting less smart every day.

tick tock, goes the clock.

2008-12-31T01:44:00.000-05:00

"Clocks slay time...time is dead as long as it's being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life."

-William Faulkner.

To Who It May Concern;

Snowflake to snowflake,

I watch tonight.

Today's tomorrow,

black as night.

The year slips, to the bookshelf of life;

tossing and turning,

the stars alight.

I smell the change,

I hear the future.

It tells me to wait;

what else is new?

The wires of electricity,

they broke my heart;

yet helped me change,

stop,

and start.

And so I'm here,

my cookies, my friends;

your wonderful, your beautiful.

My deepest gratitude

to you I extend.

I look back on another year in the life of Christina the unknown. I cannot wait for the clock to strike that magic twelve; it has been a rough, long, and awful year. But in the same strange second of relief, I feel a twang of nostalgia. Though this year has fortunately been the most unfortunate year of my life, I wouldn't be the same without the seemingly never ending dismal fog that seemed to hang above much of my horizon. In a short 365 days, I have taught myself with the help of nobody (I did have a therapist; but still, this was on my own. I didn't tell her copious amount of information, though perhaps I should have...) to step out of the fog, and stay there, only to return when the time is right. I notice the blue in the sky; not the clouds that float amongst the sapphire shade, attempting to cover the beautiful hue that I have found above me. I've learned to look on the true bright side. Situations that are non-auspicious are terrible, yes; but in a sense, they are what you make them. For instance; I mentioned about a month ago on this blog how (and I quote myself) "My life really is quite a mess."

Yes, it may be or may have been, but, I stand by my words. Going through the worst of the worst has helped me look at the world with a wider eye; I can now tip my head back into life, and know for sure that everything really is going to be okay. Whether or not the world looks the other way, sneers, and throws me into the mud that seemed to be a great theme for me in 2008 doesn't freaking matter anymore. It doesn't. What matters is that in this miraculously terrible year I have gotten to know myself so well. All that ignoring by others, the ditching, its given me a hell of a lot of time to myself. And you know what? Good. I am a good person. I had so much fun with myself this year, its ridiculous. I can make myself laugh so hard sometimes :D

I am ready for 2009. I am ready to look myself in the face, and say, "So it sucks, doesn't it? Fix it, then." I've lost a best friend, met a new family member (my silly uncle in Paris :D), watched the gas pricing fall of its bike (do you notice the Eco joke? hehe. I know. Very corny.) and get back to its expensive state, found the music that I truly love, hit the bottom and got right back up, decided to move away to boarding school, brought my grades from F's to A's, formed a real relationship with all of my family, became best friends with my TEACHERS (they really are my best friends at school. Besides Anastasia :D), wrote a book and got it published in three libraries (and a contract!), met the coolest people on Blogger EVER (seriously. you guys are AMAZING, every last one of you! I love every single one of you to BITS.) and have taken my mind, my spirit, my everything to the next level.

Goodbye 2008.

Thank you for everything.

And baby,

I mean everything.

With All the Love In My Heart,

sleepy sleepy sundays.

2008-12-28T14:19:00.000-05:00

It seems that I'm a very sleepy girl today. Perhaps this is because our ENTIRE plumbing system exploded in a matter of two minutes at four A.M. last night. God, those pipes are shot to death, and buried. No matter, because I took a very nice nap today. I feel so silly! It's almost like I'm tired...but really not at the same time!

Everybody had a great Christmas, I see. Now, my wondrous Blogger cookies, onto New Year's! I actually don't know what were doing for New Years, most likely staying home and just bumming with my aunt and grandma until the ball drops. Tell me in the comments; what are YOU doing for New Year's? And if I get lucky, maybe I'll end up with Anastasia for New Year's. That'd be very fun. Have any of you ever spent New Year's with a friend?

I actually think it's pretty funny how its Winter Break and I haven't hung out with one person, besides the mall I wrote a post about. Luckily, I'm went to Stasia's today to go boarding school hunting! And, of course, playing with the various animals she keeps in that house. Two parakeets and a twenty-six pound CAT. I KNOW; unbelievable, right? How does a cat even BECOME twenty six pounds?! Who knows, really.

I'm starting to get a little irritated, because its getting...warm out. This, my Blogger cookies, I really really don't like. I also found another school that I plan to apply to; The Lake Forest Academy. It is a really nice place, so I've investigated; and also is geared toward forming friendly relationships with peers and teachers. This is something that schools, hell, the world lacks. It almost seems that people (these are the snots of the world, who are unfortunately growing in amount) have too much "pride" to speak or open up to anybody outside their bubble of acceptance. I'm starting to realize this too; people are raising their kids to be like this. It's not this generation's whole fault that we're all snots; its the influence of higher forces that is encouraging the behavior.

This could be from the simplest of behaviors; a mother, perhaps, telling a child not to go near another person just...because. Just because you don't know them; and the paranoia doesn't even give the action or moment of meeting a chance. I mean, seriously, there's safety and then there's paranoia and snottiness. Example? Yesterday, while out with my mother, I saw a woman tell her daughter not to respond to a man who asked her if she wanted to go in front of him in a coffee line. No, actually, she "oh-so-secretly" texted it to her, and the text said, "He might rape you.". Yes, lady, he is going to rape her because he is getting out of a line, and said she can go in his place, in pure daylight, in a coffee shop, in front of at least 10 people. Yes. Very plausible, good job.

So, there are two meanings to this pathetic story;

1. People need to calm down.

2. News stations and public services need to stop telling people these things will happen at any moment, just because it's a stranger that you don't know, and that you should "be safe" to the point where your just driving yourself mental with fear of death and rape and all other things horrid!

and so the wine buzz winds down...

2008-12-26T19:54:00.000-05:00

So, I've been hearing that everyone's had a good Christmas? Wonderful, excellent! I can proudly say that I did too, present wise and family wise. And so I will give my chilly fingers a rest, and ROLL OUT THE PICTURES!

iPod TOUCH, baby!

Betsey Johnson weekday socks!

(Manic Monday, Tasty Tuesday, etc.)

The Queen

(A movie favorite of mine!)

An antique copy of Grimm's fairytales!

Betsey Johnson lotion!

And many other smaller but equally made of awesome gifts.

So I log onto yahoo today, only to see an article about how December 26 is the "New Black Friday". I say tisk tisk, because everyone's broke from Christmas shopping! And US economy, there is ONE black Friday. NOT two.

Real post coming, my brain is just fried!

today's the day!

2008-12-25T14:17:00.001-05:00

Yes, my blogger cookies!

It is CHRISTMAS!

And so the wine will flow, the laughs will come, and the present will indeed be torn apart.

Since I don't exactly have time to write a proper post, I would just like to remind you all that I require you to have a happy Christmas!

finally!

2008-12-22T17:24:00.001-05:00

I have achieved the noble act of finishing my Christmas shopping! And I have also found my book, and managed to buy myself two Christmas presents as well :D

I went to the Mall today to meet my friend Daliah, who is visiting from Israel! She moved after the end of school, so, its been almost a YEAR since I'd seen her! It was so fun to get to see her, and hang out with a few of my other friends. They were all actually my sort of former best friends, but the relationship wasn't ended on bad terms, I promise! It was just because I was growing apart, and so were they in sixth grade. So I still maintain a pretty good friendship with all of them, but I have to say, today was the first time I have hung out with any of them since at least fourth grade. And man, it was so fun. Seriously. The whole affair was just so lighthearted, unlike how it always was with my old best friend. They were just in it for the fun; not bitching about prices, etc. Its starting to occur little by little that maybe my old friend severing the friendship with the other girl was a good thing. I bought myself knee-high slippers/booties that are knit (for the suuuuper cold day/nights!) and a thermal long sleeve shirt, garnished with über cute snowflakes. I wrapped the shirt up, and put it under the tree, as a gift to myself for the hard work and great heights I've achieved this year. Now the booties, my dearest Blogger cookies, I couldn't help but wear. But quite unfortunately, I bought the size too big! So I'll just pop back over tonight (if mom will take me) and switch them out. The return policy said it'll be fine.

After the majority of the attendees were picked up, it was myself and my other friend in the Barnes and Noble Starbucks, drinking water and talking. I noticed a particularly peculiar (ooer! Alliteration!) woman sitting not too far from us, watching and listening to our

conversation. We finally were talking about sports, because she is a former Irish Dancer (because it just got to be too much + it RUINED her legs) and how I had to quit skating because I was dropped on my back (throwing out the entire lower area of it) and breaking my tailbone. She suddenly shut her book, and said to me, "I was a pairs skater too! I quit for the same reason!" And so began the forty-five minute conversation with the woman about the competitiveness of sports/the world these days, and seemingly a million other topics. She was an amazing woman; Lizzy and I had the best time talking to her, while she waited to be picked up. Then, after Lizzy left, she and I talked about writing. It turned out she was an author too. And you are NOT going to believe this; her niece is the official photographer for our school! Even more ironically, her niece/photographer is a really, really good friend of mine! I mean, she's an adult and all, but I've had countless conversations and lunches with her. And might I say, I have an odd feeling that this is not the last time I will have seen/talked to this woman. This day further proved my theory correct; the world has many, many wondrous people. It is my job to go out, and find them.

This afternoon was a milestone in my moral and mental history. This meaningless outing taught me the extensively important lesson that happiness can be found even in the darkest of times; when one remembers to turn on the light.

oh, the weather outside is frightful.

2008-12-20T13:57:00.000-05:00

but there's no fire that's so delightful :(

My town has quite honestly morphed into a block of ice! I feel like the White Witch paid us a visit! Yesterday was supposed to be our last day of school before break, but was cancelled due to copious amounts of snow and ice finding its way to our streets and households. Tonight we're supposed to get two inches of ice (PURE ICE) on top of all the snow and already ice, which is GOOD. My brother and I made it a point to not go outside yesterday to run around in the snow, because the ice is coming. When the ice falls, then our front lawn that was once covered in ice and snow untouched will be an ice rink/front lawn! We won't go ice skating, but we can slide around. We pull out this hockey net and take our sticks with just our shoes on, and pass the puck. Sometimes one of us kneels down in the goal, pretending to be the goalie, as the other shoots. It is so fun!

Also, my mum's birthday was yesterday! I gave her this cute Barnes and Noble tote bag with peonies and french sayings on it, with body wash, lotion, and a rubber duck inside it. She love the Victoria's Secret PINK brand of lotion and bodywash, so I picked that up for her.

And my gosh, guess what my best friend (not the one who ditched me) made me do last night? For the first time since FIFTH GRADE, she made me go on Runescape. Runescape! So she could take a screen shot of us fighting for some collage, I couldn't be sure. But what I am sure of was that it was RIDICULOUS! Haha.

After the most likely ten millionth bad experience at my school, I have finalized the decision to apply to boarding school. The one I am applying to is strictly an Arts school, and I will be going for Creative Writing. Its in Michigan, which is pretty far away from Pennsylvania, but I'm not afraid of a challenge. My brother transferred there for senior year (he couldn't take the school I'm currently going to, neither can I!) and is also going right now for a post graduate year. My best friend is also going to a boarding school in Chicago. We keep joking how she's buying me a rowboat for Christmas so I can paddle across Lake Michigan to visit her! She's a hoot.

On a closing note, speaking of hoot, I am currently OBSESSED with anything that has an owl on it! Jewelry, clothes, bags. I may buy myself this off eBay;

oh, the christmas spirit...?

2008-12-15T17:10:00.000-05:00

Gah! I can't decide! Should I immerse myself into books, or movies?

Its all so very complicated.

I went Christmas shopping with the muminator yesterday! But sadly, I still didn't get anybody anything! Man, I'm terrible! Haha. Oh but yes, I did manage to buy myself a beeswax candle + quill and ink...?

We also went to this amazing Thai restaraunt that opened four days ago on main street! Who knew! It was seriously the best Thai I have ever had! And the workers were really, really sweet.

In other news, I may teach myself Japanese! But I probably won't tell anybody I know (ironic, how I just said that when I typed it, and posted it on the INTERNET) because then I'm instantly an anime freak. I hate that, how people just stereotype others like that. It really can be annoying, so I figure, why give them something to stereotype me with? Haha, mabye this really is the meaning behind everybody telling me, "God, Christina, your so mysterious! Who do you tell everything to?" I think if I actually told them roughly 13 people on the Internet, I'd get a record amount of Luna Lovegood Your Nuts stares.

I am so excited! On Friday I am officially a free biscuit, to roam the earth (in approximation) for Christmas Break! And as Hannah said, its pretty funny how the week before is always academic hell. If only the school fairy would float along the school's records and grade books and sprinkle some point powder amongst them...

I saw The Squid and The Whale. It was okay, but nothing special. It was one of those movies that was desperately trying to be a deep indie movie, but made it halfway. I have to say, though, that kid smearing the semen all over his school made me actually gag in my overly plush chair. Some of that movie material was just too much.

Have a nice remainder of the week, my Internet cookies!

2008-12-13T09:49:00.000-05:00

Snowsnowsnowsnow!

its SNOWING!

Alright, so, that's why today is awesome. Anyway, things to do, people to see! Well, not so much people, but I seriously need to start my Christmas shopping. I haven't a thing for anybody yet :(

And for Nicole's sake, I just wanted to note that I watched BOTH screenings of Narnia; The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe on ABC family's 25 Days Of Christmas last night. Yes, as proved before, I am a nerd of all nerdies.

And so, I envied Susan's hair so much that I went upstairs afterword and attempted to style it like hers. It came out after, say, 20 minutes, but it was still fun to do! I don't really have much to say, so have a nice day, everyone!

psht.

2008-12-10T16:29:00.000-05:00

Okay;

I seriously don't think today could have gotten any worse if it tried.

Venting time!

Like I said before, I go to a private Moravian/Christian school. Every year, we hold a Christmas service called vespers. All the music department performs, chorus, bells, orchestra, etc. For the middle and high school. And we really do go all out. Our town is the "Christmas City", so its not just us, as I said with my town's decorations and such. So we were in rehearsal for bells (the service is tomorrow night.) but we still had Chapel in the morning. Chapel is on just Wednesday and is rougly an hour. Its basically really, REALLY watered down church. All we do that is religious is say the our father and the school's prayer. Other than that, we just have a speaker and sing hymns and stuff like that.

I get into my homeroom, and my teacher (who is awesome :D) says, "Oh! Stella (nickname.)! Get down to the chapel, I think you're a sacristan today!" so, I look at the smart board, and low and behold I am indeed a sacristan. So I run like hell in the humid nasty pouring rain down to the chapel. Naturally, the day I spend a long time doing my hair its raining and humid. The only day in three months its been sixty degrees. Apparently it was just a one day thing, so GOOD. But my hair is ruined by the time I get there. So I shrugged it off, and tied it up. It continued to be a nasty poofball because I was born with frizzy, overly curly hair.

ANYWAY:

Yes. Bell rehearsal. It was just one of those situations where its not like your mad, or upset, you just don't want to be there. Your just...not in the mood for it? So I had this huge bell-induced headache by the end. So I go back to the school building afterword, and it was math. Again, was NOT in the mood. The only good part of the day was Latin. I just have a really good relationship with my teacher, and also it was the winter celebration! So I made cookies (from scratch :p) and we hung out and just relaxed. And believe me, I NEEDED that.

Since I ate so much and was full, I didn't eat lunch. And of course I was hounded because omgomgomg I had cookies! As if none of the anorexic bitches at my school had never had a fucking cookie before! So I had to fight them off.

Then the big whammy came. English. I totally forgot my homework, but this is worse. We got to see our grades in the class, and caught sight of the girl I'm jealous of's grade. Ninety fucking seven. And there I go, expecting a good grade, and what? What, what do I see? An eighty-eight! Now I know, Bloggers, that this story sounds bratty, but it almost felt like she had officially beaten me to the pulp. It was over. I had lost. She won the best friend, won the rest of the friends, already HAD the lifestyle I was so desperately wishing for, and now had beat me at the one thing I care about most. I could have fainted right there. I can't say I've ever felt more defeated in my entire life. I don't want to go to school. I don't ever want to go back, Blog-type friends. I just want to start new, with no stolen best friends, no jealousy-inducing people, none of it. I really more than anything want to start fresh, new, clean. I just want it all to go away.

2008-12-07T11:21:00.000-05:00

Sundays.

weeeeeeeee!

its like the week's third nipple.

the awkward body part.

Has anybody been watching the ABC family Harry Potter Weekend?! I sure have! They are seriously my favorite movies. And yes, my lovely readers, it turns out I AM a full out, total HP nerd. I have to say, its pretty scary how old they are, compared to how young they were when the first one came out. Now Daniel Radcliffe is prancing around naked on Broadway stages, while Emma Watson is officially a British "it" girl, and Rupert Grint is a teenage indie dressing icon. I've noticed how time passes way, WAY too fast these days!

Also, today I had CCD in the morning. To those who don't know what that is, its the Catholic version of Sunday school. I give the teachers a lot of credit for trying, but the kids in my class just don't care. They seriously don't, nor will they ever in my mind. I'll admit it now, I have a bit of trouble believing any of it, but it is still nice to lean on in dark times. No, I don't call myself a practicing Christian, but nor do I call myself atheist. Its all very complicated, really. But I must continue with the story. So every Sunday (only in the winter) my mom and I stop on the way home at this one Starbucks and have breakfast. There's another cafe/panini food place next to starbucks, and so we thought, "Let's give this place a try.".

I walked in, and started to look at the menu. And suddenly, I stopped. This kid came around from the back room, and I instantly recognized him. He was the biggest, meanest, most atrocious bully that was at our school last year, and always relentlessly picked on me. With one swift move, I turned on my heel, grabbed my mother, and walked out of the shop. Of course I marched right next door to Starbucks, and so the tradition continued. I explained why I left to my mother, and so we had breakfast as usual.

But the idea of the story is, fear. I was overcome with fear, that I instantly and instinctually defended myself by leaving, without even thinking about it at all. I thought this was really interesting, because I felt almost like an animal afterword. I saw, I recalled, and I defended, without reaction or consciousness.

It was just very, very interesting.

On a less pensive note, I am LOVING winter these days. Its my favorite season; yes, I am in my prime! I live in a town that is called "The Christmas City", so we go all out. For real. We have this cute little main street and downtown area, with a bunch of tiny and adorable shops that sells handmade Christmas objects and wintery things. Its truly pretty. There's a book store called the Moravian Book Store (the oldest book store in the country!) that is the BEST place ever. The one side is all homey things and trinkets, while the other side is a book store. And caught between the two is a little cafe. Its so nice to sit in the cafe and watch the snow, with all the bundled people carrying their little bags and huddled together. I swear, I am going to go broke buying myself Christmas handmade trinkets and scarfs and cookies, and such of the homey type.

Downtown.

The book store!

2008-11-29T01:25:00.000-05:00

Since I was too little to be considered mindful of life itself, I have believed that life was easy, if one worked hard enough to make it easy. And as the years passed, I've realized that this is really a very incorrect theory. I would watch my grandfather, for hours at a time, built and tinker away with his tools and screws, improving 90's technology into mutated television-radio-car engine hybrids, dissecting each and every bolt and bar and creating his very own inventions that were really only complicated versions of a very simple thing. Example? He would remove parts of a car's engine, take some things out of a microwave, or any other random machine, and create something very simple in a complex manner, like a light bulb that looked like a dangerous bomb. Yes, to be frank, he was a Violet Baudelaire.

I believed every body's lives to be like this, complicated versions of the same simple thing; life and living itself. But I've noticed over time, that some people's lives are very much more unfortunate than other peoples. And it kills me when everybody says, "Well, that's the way it is. Some people are just lucky."

Well, I'd like to know why people get so lucky.

I'm going to be pretty frank right now too; my life is really quite a mess. My best friend for four years has spontaneously gotten miraculously close with the one girl that I have ever been truly jealous of in every aspect, so I've lost the best friend. The remainder of my friends have just sort of...drained and dripped away. My real friends; the ones that go to our school's 'upper school' (highschool. i know, dumb name right?) and don't really talk anymore. They're all busy as hell, but I KNOW that they still love me and think about me. I'm just really, really lonely these days. I positively hate my brother. I really can't stand him, but still manage to love him in the dimmest, smallest way possible. My therapist, the person you or I (DEFINITELY I) would think would always be there? Oh no no no, she's moving away. Of course. And my family is giving me a big heaping load of slack for semi-quitting figure skating, because you know what? It just gets to be a little too much, that's all. Yes, I actually do want to get nice grades this year, coaches and family. I positively am miserable at my school.

Let's just say, it really isn't fun being called 'crazy christina' and stared at the entire day relentlessly.

But I have also found that it is funny how a word can help you perceive and see through the thick, uninviting fog that coats anything unfortunate in this world; sanctuary. It's a term, in my mind, referring to a small, safe place in a troubling world. I haven't found a physical sanctuary to call my own, besides the library, but have found a state of mind where I keep the door unlocked. With a welcome mat under it.

Its comforting in an ineffective way to think that one day it will all change; what every adult says to me will come true, and I will come on a white horse and safe myself from the unfortunate and unfair circumstances of life. That we will all grow up, and stop being so hurtful. The pitiful truth is, this is certainly not true, I know. People are still going to be mean. They are still going to be cruel and selfish and rude; their just going to have more to make fun of, and tease, and criticize. Sometimes silence really is golden; it just needs to be cleaned with solution, that's all.

But we all need sanctuary. We all need to help ourselves; to pick ourselves up, dust the dirt off our pained shoulders, and carry on in search of what is right to us. Us, as a human race, needs to hold our own hands, and walk us through the long, long road that is life.

We need to save ourselves.

hey, look, its the 27th!

2008-11-27T17:31:00.000-05:00

Oh yes, my lovely blog-type friends. It is finally thanksgiving, and tomorrow is the not-so-lovely black Friday. You know, you'd think that people wouldn't go out and shop when they know the date, but, I'm not so sure about that, as most could see. Perhaps its like reverse thinking; the ones who do go and shop are always the ones who thought nobody would go out because its "black Friday", just like the rest of the country! In that case, people are stupid :(.

While hanging around with my family downstairs, nibbling on oven-cooked orderves and crackers, and thinking about how scarily familiar every thanksgiving is, I noticed how the world has patterns with life. Not just thanksgiving, or Christmas, or anything. People, and life in general really do rely on traditions and ways of doing things to "enjoy themselves". Like, say you or I have a tradition with a friend, and if they flake, you get upset or sad for a bit on the inside. Yes, of course you say "Oh that's alright," and try not to make a big deal of it, but you know inside that you will A. Not enjoy it as much now, or B. Not do it at all, because the tradition and specific way of accomplishing it has been changed or cancelled. Why do we all cling to such ways of life, in a sought out and specific manner? Its almost like...cookie cutter enjoyment. If you bend or solder the cookie cutter's shape into a new one, the shape of the freshly cut dough won't look the same once you pull that cutter away from its impressionable flesh.

On a different note, I won a writing contest for my city, and am being published. The book is going to be release December the sixth, but just in libraries. That was the first prize of the contest, so my book that I wrote is being bound into a hardcover edition, signed by me, and will be put in the library's collection for renting! It sounds so...odd to type, or say out loud to tell people. Actually, I've only told one person my age, made them swear not to tell anybody, and my family, who got the call. I just hate getting attention, and that weird feeling of knowing people are looking at you. It feels like spiders are crawling all over me. One time I was kinda forced into telling this one person I was with that I had won some skating competition, by my mother, and after a few moments, the person asked a little cautiously, "Er, Christina, why are you akwardly clawing at your skin...?" And that was when I stopped telling people anything about what goes on in my head or life. They just laugh when I tell them things like, "Oh, er, I just don't like it when people look at me. Its not like I have body-related low self esteem, but, I just don't like it when I know people are looking at me. Or if anybody is looking at me."

So, yes, my wonderful readers, have a happy thanksgiving, eat LOTS of food, and try to think about how YOUR life revolves around tradition, planning, and set-in-invisible-stone types of doing things. Its actually quite curious, the more you discover about your life's unsaid rules.

its time to roll out the oldest of wines, and proclaim thy inner nerdiness.

2008-11-24T22:24:00.000-05:00

Do YOU know what time it is?

FAN FICTION TIME!

So, I've decided to get some old traditions out and write a fan fiction. I mean, I've done tons; but its just one of those moments where you clap your hands together in a frenzy and yell, "FAN FICTION WRITING TIME!" that you know you just have to do it.

So, we have the essentials for this task in the house:

1. Mac.

2. Hot chocolate mix + whipped cream.

3. A furry, fluffy, white cat named lily, that HAPPENS to belong to me.

(See example below)

4. Delicious and unhealthy food; to provoke creativity...?

5. A place to lie down on, such as a couch, that HAPPENS to be in my study!

6. A blanket, and knee highs rainbow striped socks. For maximum warmth in the toesie, footsie, and __________ department. (Don't be confused; we all know saying, "leggie" is just a little bit too awkward and embarrassing to say. Or type, for this matter.)

LET US BEGIN THE FANFICTIONING...

NOW!

(failed popping noise with mouth)

2008-11-23T15:38:00.000-05:00

Okeydokey.

I just watched M. Night Shyamalan's "Lady in The Water". It was freaking amazing! I mean, I've always been a bit of a fantasy freak, but, really. Except for the annoying dog/grass creature that kept trying to kill Story (the secondary protag.), it was just so...pretty? The whole movie had this dreamy, gentle, watery (haha, ironic.) effect to itself; it just made the entire flick totally worth it.

Oh, and, we love Paul Giamatti. He reminds me of this teddy bear/softy that is just so cute. You could just tell the entire movie that Cleveland (protag, played by paul g.) is just thinking, "WTF!?" the whole movie, but STILL had to beat the crap out of the scary dog at the end.

oh well, paul, we still give you props.

P.S.

2008-11-21T18:13:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure why blogger did this, but the spacing is a little bit funky on the last post.

sorry!

carbon monoxide.

2008-11-21T17:33:00.000-05:00

I cannot BELIEVE how ruthless teens can be.

So today was our school's improv performance. And it was this girl, and it was her turn to play the game "Press-Conference". So, they set the mic up, she steps up, and begins to play the game. Now, in this game, one stands up with a mic and answers "questions" the audience asks. Somebody points to two stuffed animals. One was skinny, one was fat. So, knowing the stupid asses at my school, they pointed and asked, "Why are they different?". She answered, "One is skinny and one is fat.". Side note: this girl is slightly heavy, but one of the sweetest girls.

Next, somebody asks, "So which are you? Skinny or fat?". My readers, you should have seen the LOOK on this girl's face. She was positively mortified. Imagine this: being overweight, having to stand up in front of roughly 500 people, and being asked, "So, are you skinny, or are you fat?". I felt so horrible, I started to cry. No joke. No lie. I excused myself, but after she stepped down. She only replied, "No comment." in a slightly choked voice. So, lets get this straight; they RUINED this whole experience, of getting up and having fun with improv in front of the school, by asking a question as horrid and rude and just...ATROCIOUS like THAT? How DARE they? Do they think its FUNNY? Do they think they'd get a good LAUGH out of asking it?

And here is the WORST part: almost the entire school began to laugh. They thought it was just HILARIOUS!

I just...I cannot take this age group anymore. They are horrid. How do they live with themselves,

acting in such a way? And not one teacher, or adult said a word. They just let it happen. They let

her feelings get crushed into the stage. I bet she won't be signing up for improv next year. I bet they

ruined her entire desire for that type of thing in one, hurtful, blow to the self-image. They deserve

something awful. They deserve to be...I don't even know. I wish I had a boggart. In fact, three-hun

dred-something of them. And just let them loose. To terrorize them, until they realize how horrid

it feels to have your worst weaknesses EXPOSED in front of an entire middle school. Why are kids

like this? Why does everything have to be hurtful?

And then, after she said, "No comment.", my pre-physics teacher's two year old son (who came

to watch his sister, who was in the show) turned around and looked at his father and said, in this

innocent voice, "Daddy, that was mean.". That is what set me off. If a TWO YEAR OLD can figure

out that it was a monstrous, horrible question to ask, then why can't a bunch of YOUNG ADULTS

figure that out? Know why? They knew, that it was hurtful, but asked it anyway, to be MEAN.

Kids are such BITCHES.

2008-11-16T11:14:00.000-05:00

YAY!

So I've been writing for NanoWrimo lately. I'm doing a series, so, yeah. I finally turned my book in for my local library's writing contest! Woo! But now I have come home to a rather large pile of pre-physics worksheets :/

Anyway, we had parent teacher conferences, and according to my mother my teachers lub me :) That's good, because every single time this happens, I get supernervous that they hate me. hahaha. Do you ever get like that?

On a more reflective note,

I'm kinda confused.

I go to a private christian school. Flyers were up the entire month for this writing contest, and I was the only one to even enter. It just kinda seems like all these kids care about is getting laid and being "FR3SH TILL DEATHHHH<33333333". class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">gave a shit? What happened to all the people who had imagination? I hope they didn't fall in the toilet. That's something I'd expect this generation to be stupid enough to do.

Its just so FRUSTRATING that nobody even CARES.

obsessed.

2008-11-10T16:03:00.000-05:00

Is it me, or is Series Of Unfortunate Events AMAZING? Okay, yes, it is very malice, and Lemony's tendency to write, "I'm sorry to say," and "Unfortunately," and "This will cause much despair," its high quality stuff! As much as you will think, "What the hell?" I must come out and say it. I wish I was a Baudelaire child. It just seems so exciting. Except for the fact that they mysteriously don't attend any type of school...

duh duh duh duh duhhhh (fill in notes, mix well, resulting in EPIC SONG.)

2008-11-05T15:32:00.000-05:00

So, its

official.

Barack is our new man!

Congrats to all Obama supporters out there,

and I'm Sorry to all McCain supporters.

"Don't you think its a little odd that none of our relatives are related to us?" -Klaus Baudelaire

2008-11-03T20:57:00.001-05:00

hmm.

It seems these days are causing friction in me, each rubbing a little harder, scratching a little more. Like...and itchy sweater? I'm not sure. We're visiting our school's high school tomorrow, and I'm both excited and nervous at the same time. I know, the classic response, but, its different this time. You see my wonderful readers,

I hate this school with a passion,

and cannot wait to leave its horrid grounds for good.

But there is a dilemma involved; my freshman friends think I'm coming to the high school. I know that when hell freezes over I will go to that "Upper School", but, well, they don't. And I can't tell them I plan to leave because I haven't gotten accepted yet into the schools I applied to, so nothing is definite. I'll feel guilty the whole day, my friends showing me around the "soon to be your

" hallways and lounge and classrooms, but they probably won't be mine ever.

So, to recap, I have to grin and bear all of tomorrow, and act like:

"Oh, yes, how pretty these windows are! I look forward to looking out them in...er, class next year."

And they will smile and nod, and I will die a little inside. Because you know what? I feel like a liar, and I reaaally don't like liars. At least I get to spend the day with Andrew and Shreddy. Oh, my babies, life is quite the toerag at times. Good thing I have things that interesting me (such as typing in this text box :D) to soften the edges on a very crusty pancake that is school and life. I really do like learning, and reading, and figuring out facts and such, but, not at my school. Its a long story. I'll type it another time.

In other news:

I got two new pairs of courderoys, tights, and a skirt. Care to see, my kiddies?

www.delias.com

bad girl, bad girl.

2008-10-30T18:45:00.000-04:00

Every single time I say how bad I am for not updating and crap, I just do it again. So let's skip it this time, and get down to business.

Number one:

Happy Halloween to all!

Eat some candy, get fat, and have a good one :)

Number two:

I just watched Angus, Thongs, And Perfect Snogging, and if I do say so myself, it was très magnifique. Very girly and silly, if I do say so myself. Its a feel good; one to watch after a breakup, or something of the type.

and,

Number Three:

This is what the post/blog is actually about. So I've gotten a total of two comments on this blog that varied from, "YO!! CHECK OUT MY BLOG!!!" to "CHECK OUT MY BLOG IT ROXXXX XOXOXOXOXO". Okay, all of you, just stop it. Nobody is going to read your blog if you do it that way, because your almost admitting that you just want your blog to get views. IT really truly ridiculous, and spammers like that should be ashamed. Its a plea for attention, just like all of the pathetic youtubers who comment people's videos saying "CHECK OUT MY PAGE FUNNY VIDEOS!!!!!!". This leads me to one question:

How far will people seriously go to get attention? And why do we all crave it?

Its human nature. We can't control it. But it seriously fries me, the things people will do to get a morsel of attention. It is a label for acceptance? I think so, personally. Acceptance leads to mutuality, the freedom to express yourself without worry of being emotionally poked every time you do. Expressing leads to conversing, becoming powerful, etc. So it all leads to power, the whomping willow of the physiological forest. Freaking, freaking, power.

Now that you have so graciously tuned into my power/annoying blogging rant, how was YOUR day?

frowny face.

2008-10-24T23:17:00.000-04:00

I am enraged, so watch it the hell out.

I just got back from a school sleepover trip to Virginia. And through thorough contemplation, I have officially decided that I HATE PEOPLE. More than you f--king know. I never thought I'd go through this. Ever. Let me break it down into itty-bitty pieces:

My best friend in essence just kinda dropped me. For a girl that I am so very jealous of. Seriously. I have never been jealous of a single person ever in my life, except this one girl. And you know what? It seriously kills me inside to even watch them speak. Its not fair. For them to be laughing, giggling, and then I try to say something, and its like a verbal cootie-monster. I haven't publicly cried in nine years, and I couldn't even bear to this time. I shut myself in the bus-bathroom and sobbed, because you know what she did? This girl moved a seat up, and without saying a word, just leaves and goes with her. That is what made me snap.

There was a visitor center in the space museum, where we were supposed to wait for the other bus full of kids to go home. I sat in there and read, because I was just so lonely. All of my other friends were with the new girl and my friend, and didn't even ask me to come with them. All of the sudden, I heard buses roaring, and I ran outside, and they were leaving. As in, for good. I started running and yelling and my teacher saw me and had the bus stopped, but the true lesson is, my best friends didn't even come and find me. They didn't even look. They went off, after I even ASKED them to tell me when it was time to go, and I told them where I would be. The point is, they didn't care. And it seriously hurts.

To put it plainly as possible, I am really, really hurt. Truly.

aw, man.

2008-10-14T20:05:00.000-04:00

Have you SEEN the new macbooks? Yes, I am in fact a nerdy..nerd, but holy CRAP. Am I the only one gaping like a fish on land? Because everybody is actually pretty freakin' calm about it. LOOK AT IT! ITS 999$!!!!

I LOVE STEVE JOBSIES.

HE BE MY BOYFRIEND.

remember that I love you.

2008-10-11T17:40:00.000-04:00

kimya dawson.

its a good album.

I'm sooo excited. Just learned "Piazza New York Catcher" on guitar, so all you cyber buds of mine should vigorously clap. Today was non productive, to say the least. Literally, I sat home, at random unhealthy foods, played guitar, wrote fan fiction + poetry, did homework, and played with my cats. So this is what its like to be a philosopher. If only I could get paid to do this...

Haha, no, it actually got really lonely after a while. I actually almost thought about calling a friend and demanding them to come over at once. But then again, ironically, all my best friends live in the bloody town over thats like 45 minutes away. It just freaking figures, right? And of COURSE I have no neighborhood friends. Unless you'd like to consider the crazy man who walks his dog every 15 minutes and calls me "pretty pony princess" and was freshly removed from the asylum a 'friend'.

NEWS FLASH.

My lovely latin teacher is going to start teaching me RUSSIAN on the side. CHYESS! So yes, that should be interesting. I dyed my hair red! I don't have any good pictures, but I'll throw one up soon enough. See YOU on the flip side, cool cat.

SHES A CREEPER!

2008-10-10T15:22:00.000-04:00

Moaning Myrtle is a pervert.

good grief.

2008-10-07T15:26:00.000-04:00

Sososoosososo sorry I haven't been updating. School's a bitch, what can I say? Yes, well, my procrastion skills and eight grade are in a biiiittcchhhhffiiiggghhhht. Yeah, and, eighth grade's winning.

ITS POETRY UNIT IN ENGLISH. YES. Something I can soar until the sky bleeds in! SO anyway, I just wanted to let you chickies in that bigger, better, and pretty awesome things are to come. Biglicious post soon invading your irises.

I love you!

Oh, hi!

2008-09-18T17:54:00.000-04:00

Oh god, I'm terrible. I haven't updated in...a while. You can thank 8th grade for that, my find feathered friend. Erm...you might not be feathered, but I hope you see my point. Just so I can prove what this alleged schoolwork has made my into, here is a look of me right now.

Oh, the woes of being old. (But I shan't say that in front of a real old person, for I do not want to get the eyes of Voldemort shot at me.) Yes, I will save it for those I love; my readers! Yes, and, for the record, I am LOVING latin this year. My new teacher is hilarious!

EXAMPLE:

A kid named Devon and my best friend Mollie were running down the hall, and he attempts to steal her stuffed duck/pencil case (aren't you jealous? I sure am.), where the latin teacher proceeds to ask, "Devon, what are you doing?". He replies, "I WANT HER DUCK!". Oh, this made me chuckle. He laughs and says, "Um, do you know what that means in college?". Yes, to be frank, that was a laughing nervy b. laughing moment! Haha, I love Devon.

You know, I'm starting to see a new trend here on the good ol' Blogger. Blogs that are like, books, and each post is a mini-chapter. Who started this, may I ask? And why is this so tantalizing to myself, even though I know I have a jam packed schedule, and barely enough time to update THIS blog, and think about ideas for it?! Ugh, trends. All so tempting to follow. And FINALLY, after a very long and hot and torturous summer, its slowly getting colder. To be frank, I HATE anything above...55 degrees.

I know, your probably like, "WTF? Is she honestly odder than I believed the first time I read this blog?". But eh, I hate warm weather. Always have, always will. Well, I guess until I get old and move to Florida like the other billion old people who always do. Haha, watch me move to Alaska or something. Ewww, but I don't want to talk like Sarah Palin!

Speaking of the annoying voiced woman, have you seen that SNL skit with her and "Hillary Clinton"? Three letters; LOL. Yes, well, I think I've had my fill for the day. Time to knit my wonderful Ravenclaw scarf! See you soon, kiddies!

2008-09-06T12:35:00.000-04:00

I'm very bbbaaddd. Its been like...a week, I know. I suck, I know. So anyway, let me fill you in like a erm...eclair? I don't know.

I hate this, but, I've decided to put a cork on the whole journal thing. The reason is, I'm just too damn lazy to type it all into this text box. I'm drinking Saranac root beer, and knitting a RAVENCLAW SCARF BABY. Check this out:

Its gonna be supercool. So I haven't really done anything productive as of yet...no, no, I wrote a couple chapters of healthy fan fiction. NevillexLunaallthewaaaaay. Oh, oh, oh! It's song that's awesome time!

Awesome songs of the week:

Samson - Regina Spektor.

On The Radio - Regina Spektor.

Pennyroyal Tea (Unplugged Version) - Nirvana.

I know, I'm bouncing around everywhere this fine, rainy day of September. I feel kinda bad. This one friend I have, I really like him. In two weeks, it'll be a year that I've been liking him. He doesn't really talk to me all that much anymore, he went to high school. And I'm stuck in eighth grade still. We would talk about a lot...for a while sometimes. He just lingers in my head for a lot of the day, and it makes me sad when I see all these Wall posts from other people I don't know. And I'm still here...placed on the back of the shelf for now. It just makes me a little sad. Well, no, really really sad.

Have you ever really, really, missed somebody who doesn't miss you?

I almost forgot!

2008-08-30T21:40:00.000-04:00

I forgot to tell those who read this blog that I have a youtube account and make videos!

Its ironic, how I can type my private journal on here, but forgot to share something that the whole world can see...

www.youtube.com/tinabeaan

only if you want to, only if you want to.

august 29, 2008. the journal of christina.

2008-08-29T23:54:00.000-04:00

I have just awoken. I had Study Hall with Mrs. Fraizer, I was separated from Maddie. We weren't talking, but thats okay. I proceeded to the couch, half-laid down, making sure to not put my feet on her couch. I opened my book, and after about two minutes of reading I laid back, snuggled into the deep cushions and floated away from school, into a dreamless sleep. I listened to the quiet murmur of papers, the clicking of pens. It all seemed like an industrious lullaby. Pulling me deeper, making the smog keeping me from reality thicker and thicker with time.

I haven't slept right in many days. My hair is tousled and greasy. I may be unattractive as of now, but I seem to not care. I will look better, I'm just tired.

Math.

I sit in the back chair of this math class, content and peaceful. I have a quirk. An odd fact about myself. I like to almost be invisible, watching the world go by. I talk to myself in my head, laugh in my head. But I keep a straight face, usually looking down. I write in this journal, spilling my thoughts onto paper instead of into the air. I do not speak too much. I do not wish to speak too much. The light shines through the trees, and splatters itself onto the sidewalk.

Social Studies.

He stands at the front of the classroom. Part of me is scared of him, his sudden volume outbursts do scare me quite. I miss Andrew. I have not spoken with him in some time, I wonder if he is well. I hope for him, I hope. My teacher, he fiddles with his computer. A boy across the room seems to be thinking. This one girl, I feel fascinated by her. She is in my class. I love to watch her. She is interesting to watch, her mannerisms.

She fiddles with her firey hair, combing it with her pencil. She fiddles her tiny, white hands. She fiddles with her fingers. Bend, and flatten. Bend, flatten. These mannerisms, they become almost a pattern. They alternate. They say different things about her feelings at the moment. I have yet to figure out this code, but I know I must. I have noticed something about her - in class, she never makes eye contact with anybody at all. This intrigues me. I watch, I watch. Never does she. I watch everybody closely all day long in this school. I do believe it may scare others if they knew how oddly observant I am of everything.

life is beautiful.

2008-08-29T16:38:00.000-04:00

Long weekend, YES! I'm sitting in my study, perfectly customized for my own use and living. I hope this doesn't turn me somewhat anti-social, but I really do love it in this room. I feel almost safe, being in this room alone, with everything I know and love inside of it. Its odd, I know.

OKAY KIDS, WE'RE STARTING SOMETHING NEW! SO READ ALL ABOUT IT!

When I go to school, all day long I carry a small journal with me, and write in it when I please.

It is a bad habit, I will sometimes write during class. I can and do write about anything. Not to sound conceited, but it is a big deal that I have decided to type the journal entries into this very blog when I get home. It is a big step for me to let a group of almost-strangers into my thoughts, scrawled into this little notebook. Some thoughts are quite odd, but they're pure, raw thoughts, so you have been warned.

I don't know if I should start a new blog for this, so I just think I won't for now. I'm starting to feel so much more comfortable on Blogger, being around such nice people. Its borderline comforting to know that as much as the local group of people in your life goes, there is still that group of almost-strangers you can always semi-talk to on the internet. I don't know, its all very odd.

What I'm honestly trying to say is that I'm so happy I have met who I have met, your all awesome people, really. I enjoy reading about your lives, your thoughts, feelings, experiences. Its almost like a taste of a food you never get to eat. All I'm saying is, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for even reading my blog. For taking the time to look into the keyhole of the door to somebody else's life, for the brief moment you get on the web during these days. You all rock. For real!

attack of the nerdbombers!

2008-08-25T21:26:00.000-04:00

Okay, I know I sound like a total nerd when I say this (but that's okay, its what I am :D), but I'm so excited! I finally got the Kingdom Hearts game play guide today. Finally, I'll be able to kick butt in this game. Not like I didn't before, but...

Two days. Gosh, its going so fast! You know, it feel like one minute I'm saying, "Man, school years over AGAIN!". The next? I'm saying, "Oh wow! Its here ALREADY?". It almost feels like time isn't letting me deal or have fun with one thing, because it shoves me something new the next second! Its CRAZY.

I'm also 2/3 done with my summer reading questions. I know, I know, school is in almost a day! Procrastination is a very naughty habit of mine, but if you had to read these books, you'd understand. If anybody wants to know, they were "October Sky", "The Giver", and "The Good Earth". Kudos in the worst way possible to the authors of those books, because they deserve a 'boring-as-hell-and-borderline-painful-to-read' award. Hehe.

In other news, I patched things up with my friend who was a cranky-pantaloons to me last night. He semi-apologized, but I'm letting it slide. I can tell he's nervous, because he's going into high school. Who wouldn't be? And don't try to bullsh*t me, I know you are or were!

Anywho, I watched the notebook for the first time today. You know, Ryan Gosling + Rachel McAdams + Rain + bitching about letters = famous picture? It made me cry. And that doesn't happen a lot with me. Not to say I'm a stone cold personality, but its once in a blue moon (I hope I said that right...) when a movie makes me cry. You know, I don't think one ever has until the notebook.

Which made me think - why DO people cry during movies? Is it compassion felt for the characters? Sadness/Happiness/Just emotion because YOU'VE gone through something similar? Its almost like self therapy, knowing that somebody went through that before. It inspires us to keep moving, with whatever we are doing, and I really do wonder why.

So the bottom line question of the day is:

What about knowing/not being alone on the topic of suffering about or from something keeps us moving and comforts us? And why?

alrighty.

2008-08-24T23:06:00.000-04:00

okay:

So I'm talking to my friend, right? He asks me whether I'm excited for school or not. I say no, not really. He asks why. Blah, blah, blah, dee dee dee. Time passes. So we're talking about teachers. I tell him how this one teacher thinks I'm totally crazy. And she does. She actually asked me if I'm okay in the head. Which is rude on her part. He TOTALLY freaks out.

As I quote,

"Your not that important. They don't care about you that much. Its kinda egocentric."

"Uh, no, she asked me if I was SANE."

"Don't go attacking teachers, its kinda immature."

Alright. Now, lets turn to the voters in this audience of people I've met on the internet.

WHO is the one being immature?

Tell the TRUTH.

2008-08-20T20:05:00.000-04:00

I'm laying in my bed, crippled a an...erm...crippled person. Yesterday, I took a NASTY fall while doing my footwork at skating, and managed to twist AND throw my back out in the same split second.

The body is a wonder.

Speaking of bodies, I'm also starting to notice more about my mind. Not in a, "woohoooo whatever's in the tea leaves is your FUTURE!" type of way, more in a way that points to how complicated the human mind really is. And NO, I am NOT drunk. Haha.

"We tried not to age, but time had its rage."

-The Who.

OMG. Seven days. One week. Less than half a fortnight. School begins! I, kiddies, personally like to call this 'school' place Stalag 14. I think it was some army base in WWII. My meaning behind those statements is that my school is like an army base. Teachers always having the mega-hump, those nasty khaki skits. Man, uniforms are a bitch. I mean, I see the whole "So people don't get made fun of for their outfits" bit of it, but really. That's life, hate to break it to you all. People will be buggerinos, and people WILL dress differently. And some other people WON'T like it. Its a face of life, honeybuns.

You know, its pretty scary bananas that I'm going to actually be an 8th grader this year. I've always looked up to being one of the "big kids", but it doesn't seem so great now. I'm starting to realize that truth be told, I'm not a little kid anymore. And that really scares me to some extent. I've always lied about my age on the Internet, to get into websites to like 13, 14, etc, as the minimum age, but now I don't have to. Which is odd, really. I don't have to pretend to be older than I am.

I'm actually there.

How do YOU feel about it?

boys.

2008-08-15T20:28:00.000-04:00

Creatures of these type do frustrate me quite a bit. One moment they are crawling all over you (not litterally, much to my relief), the next they just blow you off! What is wrong with them?

Are they really that impatient, or just don't care about you the moment you don't go out with them?

Whatever is wrong with them, it ticks me off! And then they call us drama queens? Yeah, well the king is more glorified then the queen, so there!

Now that I have said my share of the male gender, on to more important things.

______________________________________________

These past few weeks, I've been thinking more and more about the idea of using others. This could mean using a person to meet another person, to get something, to hurt another person, to eventually go out with somebody, its all the same idea. And you know, I've also realized its a pretty selfish thing to do. I've been used many, many times. I wonder if the person using the other person realizes this one thing: it hurts.

And I mean, the person has to find out they're being used somewhere along the line, so what is the point? This all leads to an even bigger question of trust:

Who to trust?

I've lost faith in many people, because they aren't trustworthy. These people are everywhere. They're in your Supermarket. On the TV. All over the internet. They walk past you in the Mall. But if these people were fished out, I wonder who would be left?

FAIL.

2008-08-15T15:26:00.000-04:00

Okay:

Warner brothers thought it would be funny to postpone the release of Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince to JULY 2009!

Yeah! A whole FRICKIN' year! I want to SLAY THEM!

warner brothers:

EPIC FRICKIN' FAIL.

I'm baaaaaack.

2008-08-11T21:09:00.000-04:00

Yes, I'm back from Lake Placid. It was fun, I suppose.

laksdjladkfj

I am so TIRED.

I'm all aloney on my owney!

2008-07-23T17:55:00.000-04:00

Its raining outside. I'm eating a jammy dodger (two slices of bread, one with jam, the other butter), which is unfortunatly causing me to think.

I was at the rink today. In case you didn't know, I am an Ice Dancer. You know, waltzes, pairs, etc. Whatever you want to call it. In two days I'm leaving for Lake Placid, NY. To train in Skating for two weeks. As I stepped off the ice, my coach said to me, "I'm going to miss you.". I almost cried for some reason. I don't like any of the people I am forced to be with every day. By this I mean the other girls and skaters. I love my coaches to bits. But all of the sudden, I began to flash back. To when I was smaller, a child. I looked out onto the large slab of frozen water, and started hallucinating memories of myself.

On the left side of the arena, I watched myself learned a crossover. On the other side, I watched myself, a little taller, learning a sit spin. Then, a large floating clock appeared at the center of the rink, fell, and smashed into millions of pieces. I gasped, but everybody stared at me. I then realized that I had just had a full-blown hallucination.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Then, after I took my skates off, I caught sight of my mother and another mother in the front room, talking. Their faces were close, and the other mother looked like a lion, just given a piece of fresh meat. I knew what they were doing. They were gossiping. All of the sudden, an unknown rage built up inside of me. I didn't know what to do with it. Self control was slipping out of my hands quicker than grains of sand. I walked in the room, only to hear the woman talking about the mental breakdown of another mother's child recently. I almost snapped. I gave the woman the most venomous look I could piece together on my face, but she was too ignorant to realize it.

If there is one thing on this world that I hate, its gossipers. Who do these people think they are? What right do these people have to broadcast the personal lives of others, let alone know it at all? I thought about this a bit more, and now that I think about it, personal information in this world is displayed as almost power. How is gossip, information power? Would YOU risk your reputation of being a good, trustworthy person over power?

:|

2008-07-16T23:03:00.000-04:00

Today,

my best guy friend texts me. This was the billionth text this month, leaving me wondering why he texts me so much these days. He had just freshly asked a girl out, who said yes, and was going out with this girl. We talk throughout the day (With me fretting about going over my texts.), and finally night falls. He says to me, "Tell me a secret.". So I tell him some odd thing about me, and he turns around and says, "I like you.".

I almost pooed my pants and ate it.

So as of currently, I am a home wrecker and a heartless boy magnet.

Well, if this is so, then somebody better break out the freakin' keyblade.

what do you feel?

2008-07-14T23:24:00.000-04:00

I feel...raw. The familiar game of nostalgia is playing across my mind.

I don't want to play this game anymore.

When some girls say, "I have no regrets, and I don't look back." on their myspaces, facebooks, or flowing from their lips, what powers that? Is it energy? Or is it eagerness? This idea confuses me.

What consists of destiny? I wish I knew why and how everything happens. I doubt myself more than I agree with myself.

Curiosity killed the cat?

But what if curiosity killed the mind, too?

happy as a pig in freakin' mud.

2008-07-10T22:05:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is my bbbiirrthday!

But since my rents' are working, we celebrated it a day early, or today as some would say.

So I got all my presents early! woohooo!

I FINALLY GOT A MACBOOK! I'M SO FREAKIN' HAPPY!

And its cooooool as hell.

I got some other stuff, but not as good as my new child, whom I haven't named yet.

: /

2008-07-08T22:22:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling nervous lately.

Almost as if I'm sweating, but there's no sweat. Or there's a giant warp hole in the bottom of my stomach. Good lord, does it ever end?

I was sweating freakin' bullets today. It was like, three billion degrees out. I think my skin was boiling off my bones. Its my birthday on Friday. Meh, I don't want to grow. I'm afraid to be forced to grow, oh god?!!??!??

pink and my stars and stripes.

2008-07-06T18:59:00.000-04:00

happy 4th of July to all! I sit here, looking around my study and wondering how the hell I got here. Where did the 8 years of schooling go? Last time I checked, I was a kindygartener complaining about how our playroom didn't look grown up enough. And about thirty seconds later, (or so it seemed), I am sitting here blogging about how it feels time has moved faster than it feels. Okay, so I have a new obsession. PINK! By Victoria's Secret. Best thing ever!

I just got back from that store, and I am happily wearing their sweats. On a less materialistic note, I love this one song by Jack's Mannequin. Its called "I'm Ready", its really good, check it out. Here's the link:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Qzvu_Qol9kA

haha, okay, bye.

What a life I lead.

2008-06-29T23:36:00.000-04:00

two posts in three hours! woohooo in the worst way possible!

I found this quiz off of Aren's cool-ass blog, so I think I'm just bored enough to take it.

No Lying Quiz

Lasts:

1. Last beverage: Lemon Seltzer water.

2. Last phone call: Maddieh.

3. Last text message: Space Cowboy ferr suree.

4. Last cd played: RIOT! Paramore.

5. Last BUBBLE bath: Couple of weeks ago

6. Last hug: Maddieh!

Have you ever:

1. Dated someone twice: Nope.

2. Been cheated on: ...

3. Kissed someone and regreted it: ...

4. Fallen in love: =D

5. Lost someone special: More than I probably deserve.

6. Been depressed: More than I'm happy.

7. Been drunk and threw up: I've never drank.

List 5 people you can tell anything to:

[In no order]

1. Mollie

2. Maddie

3. Andrew

4. Shreddy

5. Still finding somebody to fill this slot.

List your favorite colors:

1. Black

2. Turquoise

3. Anything Neon

4. White

Have you

1. Laughed: Who hasn't?

2. Met someone who changed your life? MANY.

3. Found out who your true friends are? To the fullest extent possible.

Random:

1. Bush: I don't pay enough attention to politics to have a say, really.

.2. Gay Marriages? If your happy and you know it, do what you want. [[Clap clap]]

3. Lowering the drinking age? No.

4. Gay, Straight, or Bi? Straight.

5. Who is the best hugger that you know? =D

6. Do you believe in Love at first sight? No, because last time I checked, you can't know a person by looking at them.

7. Is there something you want to tell someone? All day, every day.

8. Brand of shirt you are wearing? Delia's.

9. How many people on your top friends do you know in real life? I don't have a myspace.

10. How many kids do you want to have? None.

11. Do you have any pets? 2 cats a blue point siamese and a lilac point siamese.

12. Do you wanna change your name? I used to.

13. What did you do for your last birthday? Sat home.

14. What time did you wake up today? 11:00 A.M

15. What were you doing at midnight last night? I was at APPLEBEE'S, BITCH!

16. Last time you saw your mother? Couple of hours ago.

17. What are you listening to right now? The sound of the computer hummmm.

18. Have you ever donated money to a good cause? Yes, of course.

19. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back? Who hasn't?

20. What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone? I've never borrowed clothes from anyone.

21. Who's getting on your nerves right now? Many people.

22. Most visited webpage? Youtube.

23. Coke or Pepsi?: Will people get it in their heads that its the SAME thing?

24. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past month? ...

CIWWAF, Applebee's at 1 A.M., and ocean sports on crowds.

2008-06-29T21:13:00.000-04:00

oh haaaiii.
I finally went to my first concert of my whole life ever. It was....interesting. The whole freakin' place was packed with scenesters, which I figured would be the main population of this concert.
Bands that played: Ace And A Million People, Danger Radio, Powerspace, and Cute Is What We Aim For.
To be honest, it was just okay. I mean Cute Is What We Aim For was good, but to be fair I don't listen to any of those bands. My friend invited me, I didn't know. I had tons of fun though. It was pretty akward when an unidentified dude starts picking me up to crowd surf, which scared the shit out of me. I started yelling at him, haha. but it seriously was scary, all the crowd surfers! I thought of it as pointless, the only thing that is gonna happen is getting grabbed by security and being thrown onto the floor when you get to the front. Now that I think about it, mabye that was the point!
After the concert, we were starving. My friend's dad was so desperate he said "FIND NEAREST PIZZA!" into the GPS system locator! (which will go down as the funniest joe quote ever). We finally found a barely alive Applebee's at like 12:15 A.M. I love how somebody was sweeping and all of the sudden joe said, "Will you quit it with that noise and shit?". But yeah, for the most part the concert was good. I'm sitting here, wondering, what causes people to dress and act the way they are? Personality? Hopes? Dreams? Thoughts? Feelings? Opinions?

FOR SOME ODD REASON, I FEEL LIKE I WILL TAKE THAT QUESTION TO THE GRAVE.

"I can't do the walk, I can't do the talk."

2008-06-23T22:31:00.000-04:00

Can't think, can't sleep. Whatever, seems like a pretty good time to tell six of my unspectacular quirks!

(thanks to =]!Aren![=) that took me over thirty seconds to write that little signature of yours, aren! ahahha.

Okay, so:

MY UNSPECTACULAR QUIRKS :D

1: I only get hungry after 9:00 P.M, and love frozen food with a PASSION.

2: I bought reading glasses from Walgreen's, but I don't really need glasses. I just think they look really cool, and I use them even though I don't need them.

3: At random times and days, sometimes lasting for weeks or days, I talk in an uncontrollable English accent. And I live in AMERICA, and have never lived in Great Britain, as much as I wish I do.

4: I'm out of it, inside my head more than I'm paying attention to anything.

5: I absolutely hate it when my friends fall in love.

6: I have an odd obsession with that 3 year old video games Kingdom Hearts. Best. Game. EVER.

___________________________________________________

okay, now for my actul blog. I have a new pet peeve.

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE,
AND WON'T SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT THEIR PARTNER.
this isnt directed at anybody in peticular, this was actually inspired by a TV show.

What a life I lead. And while I'm at it, why the hell do people put all this "ILY BABY FOREVERRRRR" shit in their AIM profile and myspaces and facebooks? ITS BS, and nobody cares. I think personally THAT is the best kept internet secret. People just don't care as much as those who do such think they do. Well, at least I can speak for myself. You know, when people say this stuff and talk about them to other people, what are the future crazy old cat ladies (again, at least I can speak for myself...) of the world supposed to say to all that? yeah, thats what I thought the first time. I mean COME ON, no relationship under the grade 12 and up is seriously going to be forever! get a grip, you have more hormones that will convince you to fall for a new yuppie than reasons you love that person!

Time.

2008-06-09T00:20:00.000-04:00

Before I start, I must note that as of pretty recently, I don't honestly care if this is a journal reflection blog or poetry blog. I guess its both.

So anyway, back to the poetry.

"Time."

Time,
this beast, this beauty,
grasping my every breath and step.
Twirling me suspensefuly through the days and night with sometimes ease,
but others pain.
It bleed minutes and sweat seconds,
while breathing the future.
Tis' made of memories, numbers, birth and death dates.
Its veins, made of tears, and skin of pain and happiness.
Its hands, oh its hand, they're ticking clocks, grabbing me,
gripping me with its tiring grasp.
Its hair is made of years, slowly flowing through the history of life,
and swaying in the breeze of humanity.
the past, it glimmers off it.
in tiny flecks of light.

Okay, I know that it probably sucked and is making your eyes bleed and making you nauseous. but I pose a question: how can one figure out or know "who they are", if they lie to everybody about what goes on in their head?

2008-05-19T19:43:00.000-04:00

I never really understood the point of bullying other people. If you are just insecure, get a therapist. Or write it all down. Making other people feel bad doesn't make bullies feel better. Its so confusing. I wish that people didn't have eyes so they couldn't see stereotypes, labels, materialism, looks, first impressions, flaws, ugliness, beauty. All of it. I wish it could all be taken away, so all that is left is what's inside.
Because then people wouldn't be the bottom of a joke. The cherry on a mean sundae. I don't even care if that sounded rediculous, I don't. It hurts my feelings that I am forced to be around this group of sour people. So sad. I wish I could leave this life. I wish I could start life over again. Have a new one. I really hate that my life has turned into a big multiple choice question. It frustrating to the max, honestly.

ergg.

2008-05-17T18:38:00.000-04:00

I really don't like the end of the year. It makes me quite...sad, I suppose? Of course I'm the one who is sitting on her ass when she really should be studying for her finals...

no matter. Somebody is seriously annoying me via texting. I hate it when people drone on about situations until you litterally want to kill them. I'm also pretty sure I'm going to go over on my texting this month as well. Mabye I'll be happier after they take me phone because I won't have annoying ass people trying to annoy me! FUCKING A. THIS TEXTO CONVO HAS JUST JUMPED OFF A CLIFFO. People are so fucking annoying these days.

Now that I have had my bitching of the day, how is yours?

hm.

2008-04-12T08:30:00.000-04:00

Back from Echo Hell.
Feeling somewhat odd.

I can't decide if I had fun or not.

And I don't feel like breaking the whole godforsaken thing down.

And you know what else?

I'm dancing around in an oversized Fender T-shirt to The Ramones.

Am I the only one who thinks there's something wrong with this picture?